one day shy of 19 weeks
i am celebrating a bit of a milestone.
tomorrow i will be 19 weeks pregnant.
i have been feeling my little one moving inside me.
i have been noticing the growth of my belly.
yesterday a friend of mine said to me, "you are just about halfway baked."
it made me laugh.
since discovering i was pregnant i have been living moment by moment.
many of these moments i have felt paralyzed with fear thinking something was wrong, or would go wrong.
i was also silent for many of these moments,
allowing the tears to fall,
yet afraid to fully embrace this pregnancy as a way to protect myself.
i think i was also protecting the hearts of others,
as someone who knows the heartbreak of struggling with pregnancy and loss first hand and not forgetting what that feels like.
perhaps even feeling a little guilty while simultaneously grateful.
a strange cocktail of emotion.
staying silent seemed easier somehow.
but then i had to ask myself,
when my child arrives do i want to tell them how each moment anticipating their arrival was celebrated,
or how mommy was a nervous wreck her entire pregnancy.
i fully understand i have no control over the outcome of anything in life,
but i can choose hope.
because of this i notice more of my moments have been filled with celebration.
each tiny kick is a reason for me to dance.
each day that passes is one day closer to meeting our little one.
each week that passes helps me to breathe a little easier and more deeply.
the moments of anxiety are still there,
i doubt they can ever leave,
but i am finding that more of my moments are about joy and celebration,
plus a healthy dose of gratitude,
and that makes me dance.