Bella Wish

and a road that goes forever...

photo taken by Dawn

We are fixin' to head out pretty soon to Austin and will be gone until the new year.

My holiday wish, as we wrap up 2007, is that you may know joy & peace in the coming year and may all your sweet dreams come true.

~~~~~~~~~~

When  I first met Jimmy, he played me a song called, "Texas". I can't speak about all of Texas, but I fell in love with Austin when I first visited 10 years ago. It was completely different than what I was expecting ~ which, at the time, was pretty much republican cowboys rocking large belt buckles.

I couldn't  have been more wrong. Austin is more like Texas' version of Berkeley, CA and I am excited to  spend a  few days there, breathing some fresh air and connecting once again to the people and  places in Jimmy's beloved hometown.

I found the video for the song and wanted to share it with you. It's pretty cheesy, but when he sings about the "warm winds blowing" in Texas, it brings back many amazing Austin memories for me.

Happy Holiday's all ya'll!

 

keeping it in check

Dear Christmas ~

You can suck it.

Love,
Stacie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before people start calling me to see if I am okay, I am. My anger is not even aimed at Christmas, it's just the timing. I just need to rant in a sarcastic fashion for just a bit if you would all indulge me. You see, my life feels in complete chaos at the moment. The entire contents of my studio, including our hundreds of books, furniture, etc. all reside currently in our living room as we have our ceiling replaced. I feel like one of those people you see on talk shows where they have so much stuff in their home that they have carved a path from the door to wherever they need to go. It's claustrophobic. There is no room to breathe. I want to scream.

Now, the rains have come again and damaged the work they had just completed in the studio, and now we have a brand new leak in our bedroom that has ruined the beautiful fabric sails jimmy installed years ago when he first moved in that make me happy every day that I see them. I think I said last night no less than 40 times, "We can't live like this."

And then there is the icing on the cake that is Christmas.

I am not a fan of consumer holidays and Christmas is the granddaddy of them all. Most people already know my thoughts on traditional Christmas trees and although I adore the lights and smells and certain aspects of the holidays (like sharing time with family and giving gifts and sweetly spiced scents), I don't like the forced perceived happiness we are all supposed to feel, as if fighting crowds in a mall or paying outrageous shipping charges online is somehow adding to our well being.

I watched two women get in a physical fight in a Target parking lot the other day and when I went inside the store, music was blaring about tis the season to be jolly. I had to laugh.

I have been looking forward to this time of my life for a while. Not Christmas, but this week marks the last week of work for me due to the arrival of our baby and the physical aspects of part of my job. Starting January 1, I will strictly be working from home, in my pj's if I please, where I can schedule my work day any way I see fit and I will have from January until the baby arrives to essentially "get my act together" in so far as my creative work goes, and my plans are huge and detailed. Swirly posted an inspirational mantra regarding this very thing and it keeps me motivated to do one thing each day to get me closer to my goal. I was actually starting to feel somewhat organized about it all since I have been given this precious gift of time.

I haven't written about it yet, but Clover & Sage has taken a new direction, away from catering for now, which Jimmy and I couldn't be more excited about. Plans for an etsy store (unrelated to Clover & Sage) are underway and I have been exploring putting paint to canvas again, a very scary prospect for me, but ultimately it will all be a gift for our daughter.

This precious time is also to be used to organize and prepare for our little one and right now I am not seeing how any of it is going to happen living this way. This gift of time seems to have different ideas. I feel as if I can't organize anything, I have exactly no space to create currently, or bring baby stuff in and it seems in this never ending construction there is no realistic way I am bringing a newborn baby home in this environment. I know I still have 3 months before she arrives, but honestly there is no end in sight to this construction.

Once again, my visions of this Christmas were to have made a homemade tree out of bare branches and dried fruit as ornaments, to have my packages not only all purchased prior to Christmas, but actually SENT OUT ON TIME FOR ONCE, to display our fun Christmas cards we are receiving and still have time to work on my own creative projects.

Once again, that is not going to happen.

My Christmas cards to send have been sitting here untouched for a week while we try and oversee this chaos. I think my friends think I have fallen off the face of the earth because I haven't been emailing, calling or reading anyone's blogs.

I would love nothing more than to be writing a post about cinnamon scented evenings and chestnuts roasting over an open fire, but our place is currently scented with mildew from the damage and the only thing being roasted over an open fire is our landlord receiving angry calls from me at 4:30 am because the construction crew decided to come early that day.

So, instead of writing about marinating in the joys of the holiday season, I had to write honestly about where my head is currently at ~ it's not very merry around here. I am having a bit of a rough go of finding the beauty in the rain at this moment.

I suppose it's a good thing we don't decorate for the holidays normally, because where would we even put a tree? Next to my work table top that is currently leaning up against the television cabinet? Or perhaps perched atop the sixteen boxes of books crammed against on of the windows in our living room? Maybe it can go on top of the studio file cabinet which currently resides in our bedroom? The possibilities are endless.

Please, I don't need people right now telling me, this too shall pass, and it's all going to work out, and to be happy with what I have. I know it will, and I know the bigger picture is taking care of myself and this little one inside first, and I need to not beat myself up and be gentle on myself. I know I need to remain flexible, perhaps I am too hung up on things being perfect right now and this is my wake up call. I know that my beacon of shining light is feeling this baby grow each day, my amazing husband and our snuggly feline fur baby, but in the midst of all this other stuff happening, I start to question if I will be a good mom if I can't even give our little one a safe environment in which to grow. I give myself permission to be upset in this moment.

We leave for Austin in a few days until the new year. We are more than ready to get out of here for a while and have a change of scenery (our house in Austin is looking really good right now); however, it is also a time now filled with stress as we are leaving our place in turmoil with no idea what we will return to, knowing our cat will be under the bed the entire time, scared and alone, and us worrying about her, and Jimmy and I trying to pretend it's all merry, and cheery and bright when all we really want to do is grab our cat and hide under the covers for a bit.

My apologies to those of you who are having yourself a merry little Christmas, I didn't mean to bring you down with this post. I am sorry it's not full of inspiration, tenderness and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And though someone told me the other day I am handling it all with grace, the reality is I am not. I am on the verge, I find I am raising my voice to people, (something I rarely do, and "people" being our landlord) and I had to write about it and just get it out. I know I can't be the only one feeling this way.

So tell me, how does one handle chaos with grace?

the silver lining

what was once my studio ~ taken with jimmy's iphone

a couple posts back, i had written about how my studio had been flooded.

for months we have tolerated the constant pounding, inconvenience and mess of renovation throughout our entire building since it was purchased by a new owner last summer, and now the construction crew showed up early this morning at our place, after a week of "assessing" the water damage, and will spend this week installing a new, smooth, flat ceiling (we currently have those ugly popcorn ceilings) and hardwood floors.

jimmy worked from home today to keep an eye on things and make sure our poor cat isn't too traumatized ~ she is currently hiding under our bed. i, however, needed to leave the situation entirely and since i work from home will be spending the week making my favorite neighborhood coffee house my temporary office until we leave for austin this weekend for the holidays.

with the baby coming, jimmy and i were hoping to be able to purchase and move into a new place. however, even with the housing market being what it is currently, los angeles still isn't the most affordable place to purchase a house. so having a new ceiling and floor where i will now be happily sharing space with our little one definitely helps us to feel better about the situation.

don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things i love about our current place, we have been here many years and have truly made it our home, it's just in dire need of some serious updating and major repairs and now that there is a very real chance of a baby coming into the picture we started to look at things with different eyes ~ like how completely non-child friendly our entire 1920's building is.

since the flood, we have had to negotiate with the new owner who at first was only willing to put down new, albeit cheap, carpet until i helped him understand that new carpet carries formaldehyde, along with other toxins, which doesn't mix with newborns and was unacceptable in this situation. we will be paying the difference for materials, but it's worth it to us.

we also have amazing family and friends who have generally offered to gift or lend to us a dresser/changing table (thanks mom!), crib, bassinet, car seat, playpen and many other necessities which tend to be big ticket items. i love recycling items in this way. we are feeling truly lucky and blessed as the money we save in these areas will be used to lay down laminate flooring throughout the rest of our home, replacing our awful, old, ugly carpeting, as well as possibly updating some other areas in need of a bit of tlc too. i was really worried about our floors with a new baby on the way, so this is a huge relief.

we are still very much wanting to move into a house as soon as we are able to, although the question remains if that will be in los angeles or elsewhere, but in the meantime it's nice to have found the silver lining in an otherwise bleak situation.

*edited to add: i wanted to mention this morning, before the construction crew arrived, jimmy kept hitting snooze on his alarm. i was awake, as i am most mornings lately, feeling the baby move around ~ my new absolute favorite early morning activity. jimmy has been wanting to feel her move since i have been feeling her at around 17 weeks, and this morning she was kicking pretty hard so while he was still stirring, i quietly took his hand and placed it on my belly and he was finally able to feel her kicking this morning too. a good start to an otherwise chaotic day..

hope

candle designed by jen lemen, sent to me by a daisy

one year ago today marks one of the saddest days of my life.
i found out a year ago today that i had lost the second pregnancy i was carrying at thirteen weeks.

like the title of my post back then i was indeed broken.
reading it again now brings me right back to emotions surrounding all that took place on that day.

i remember everything about it so clearly, each slow-moving moment.
loss of hope, dreams, joy.

the thing about this past year is that each month stands out to me in so far as what i was feeling emotionally.
i can look back on each month and know where my heart was.

sure, this blog helps with documenting some of that, but it is also very vivid in my mind where, sadly,  many of my years have not been this way as i used to be somewhat of a queen of denial, holding everything messy inside.

from january until now i have cried more tears than i ever have in my entire life, and am completely okay with that. it helps me to realize that tears are a healthy part of living.
i feel things much more deeply now it seems, even though i have always been a sensitive soul.
i think now i just allow myself to get messy and have come to the late conclusion that it's okay to do this. healthy even.

i will tell you a secret.
i sat in my car today and cried for a solid twenty minutes.
just for a release.
i felt really good afterward.

i acknowledge that i have had a very rich and deep year of fully feeling everything from my darkest, saddest moments to anger and frustration to unbelievable joy and bliss and letting myself come face to face with it, feel it, live through it.

as i was reading back through some of my pregnancy archives, where i was writing about my grief, the one thing that stands out to me, even in those dark, scary, angry and alone moments (many of which i didn't share here) was i always carried a ray of hope. hope that i would become pregnant again, have a child and be a mother.

of course, when i found out i was pregnant again, i was immediately filled with anxiety, couple with deep gratitude. but slowly that anxiety gave way to hope. choosing hope became my mantra and although i can't predict the future, coming up on  24 weeks of pregnancy, i continue on a daily basis to choose hope.
i say the words.
i meditate on it.
i choose hope that this pregnancy continues to thrive and that jimmy and i will bring our little girl home in april.

we are so in love with her, grateful to have been given the gift of her and can't wait to meet her when she is ready to make her grand entrance into the world.

i think about where i was a year ago and where i sit today. my first miscarriage two years ago was indeed sad, but i didn't have the same reaction as i did losing the second. i believe it was because i saw the fetus in my second pregnancy develop and grow, saw her heartbeat, witnessed her move, something i was never able to connect with during my first pregnancy. and although i was very much attached to my first pregnancy ~ and feel that pregnancy confirmed how much i did, in fact, wish to be a mom ~ i was extremely bonded to the little soul that was my second pregnancy and my sadness came from the place of knowing that she wouldn't get the chance to be here with us and live, continue to grow, develop and know how much she was loved. but she will always be loved. they both will.

i sit here today as a changed person because of this experience a year ago. she gave me gifts all throughout this past year. gifts that have opened my heart, brought some amazing kindreds into my life, unblocked some blocked creativity i was having and allowed me to stumble upon a new, fulfilling career path as well.

i don't know yet, but perhaps it is because of what happened a year ago which will also make me a different parent than i would have been otherwise, because it there is one thing i will teach my daughter is how to always hold on to hope.

what about you?
are you choosing hope?

regardless of your situation,
whether it is fertility challenges,
loss of a loved one,
depression,
illness,
paralyzing fear,
career challenges,
the list goes on...
we all have our own paths to walk,
our own stories to tell.

if you are reading this and find you are on a dark path right now, as i was a year ago, i invite you to choose hope.
make it your mantra,
say it out loud every day,
even through the tears.

i invite you to truly understand that even in your darkest moments that one thing is for sure,
darkness is not the end of your story.
choosing hope opens you up to amazing possibilities.

choose hope.

december views

The gorgeous Darlene started a really great project this month called December views. No words, just stories with photos of what you see as you travel through your day.

With all happening at the moment, I couldn't commit to participate each day in her fun, month~long project; however, I hung out with my camera this afternoon and decided to play for a day... perhaps I will have time to play again before month's end.

seeing red

fall ~ canon digital rebel xt

i needed a set of light-filled, colorful pictures today to remind me that there is beauty everywhere in nature... including the rain.

last night around two-thirty am, we were awakened by the crashing sounds of the support beams of the renovated deck above us collapsing. turns out the workers had placed a tarp over the deck to keep it dry before leaving yesterday and during the course of the night the heavy rain water that was collecting in the tarp became too much to bear, broke the beams in half, and all that water needed a place to go and chose my studio to seep through various parts of the ceiling.

we are okay, we are just seeing red at the moment and looking for the silver lining.

in a weird way i think it's a good sign, or a helping hand from the universe.

good thing we have one big wish coming our way...

sweeter than cookies

belly love ~ photo shot by george ~ textures & processing by denise

i wanted to throw some love out to my amazing husband for showing me his incredible love each and every day.

back in july when i first found i was pregnant again i had a strange reaction.
rather than wanting to talk about it, like i thought i would, i became paralyzed with fear thinking that something would again go wrong and i shut down for a bit as a way to protect myself from the possibility of having to relive those emotions.

as much as i tried to stay positive there were many days in those first few months where i would marry myself to the couch, the only thing consoling me being bad daytime television, old movies and sleep.

i realize hormones also had a lot to do with this since making babies is a lot of work, but during these times where to many it may have looked like what i needed was a good kick in the butt, he never questioned what i was going through and instead just loved me.

on those days, where i literally couldn't move, he would take care of the laundry, cook dinner and do the dishes. he would rent movies, wrap me up in a blanket and bring me tea. he would hug me when i needed to run to the bathroom from the nausea and make me laugh during the times i felt like a giant slug.

even now when i go through my nighttime ritual of setting up our bed in a fortress of pillows to support my ever-growing belly, he doesn't complain and helps make sure i am cocooned in snug each night.

being this tender with me, i can only imagine the kind of father he will be to his daughter when she arrives in a few months. wow, it just really tripped me out to write that sentence, using those words.

she is a lucky little girl to have jimmy as her daddy.

i don't know what i did to deserve him but i am eternally grateful we found each other.

***
one night last week we went out to dinner and throughout our meal i was obsessing over cookies.
i needed one stat ~ preferably one with chocolate listed as a main ingredient.

after dinner we walked to a bakery down the street and he bought me a $3.50 chocolate chip cookie.
it was exactly what i wanted.

he joked and said he could make me four dozen cookies for the price of that one and i joked back and said, "you could, but you won't. you have never made cookies the entire time i have known you."

and it's true. as much as the man loves to cook, baking is an extreme rarity in our home. he doesn't  use recipes and i am not one to measure normally ~ two prerequisites for baking.

we normally aren't dessert people, but something about this little girl inside me has definitely brought out my sweet tooth.

saturday afternoon i returned home from running errands to an apartment filled with the warm smell of nutmeg and cinnamon.
i found jimmy in the kitchen baking me banana date cookies,
dozens of them.
turns out he wasn't joking ~ the man can bake! ~ and i have been happily eating banana date cookies everyday since.

it truly amazes me, and warms my  heart, that even after ten years he can still surprise me and i continue to learn new things about him.

i love you, sweet baby.