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Dear Isabella,
You turned nine months old a couple days ago and I know I might be starting to sound like a broken record, but I think this might be my favorite age so far.
Your personality is really starting to emerge and it's amazing to watch you grow and develop. You love playing Peek-a-boo, are starting to mimick some things we do, love riding on Daddy's shoulders, are about two days away from crawling on your own, love Cheerios, pulling Mommy's hair and screaming, loudly, when we take things away from you.
I often think about the kind of person you might become ~ as a little girl all the way through adulthood ~ and although I have no expectations for what you will do with your gifts and talents, it's fun to guess. So far I am thinking either drummer or chef. Daddy is hoping for astronaut. Know that we say this jokingly because we will support whatever it is you wish to do with your life; we want you to know this sincerely.
I have been watching how you interact with others and you have started doing this thing where you smile really wide at adults and then shy away and hide in my shoulder. I have to say, it's pretty cute. I notice that you do not do this with kids, instead you just smile at them with everything you have. You really love little kids. I can feel you wanting to jump up and run over to them and play if you could. It makes me think it's time to find some little ones for you to play with... and soon.
I had my first experience with trying to protect your heart the other day. We were in your favorite place, the grocery store, and you were so taken with a little boy in a shopping cart. You leaned over and smiled widely at him and he just wouldn't give you the time of day. He saw you, but turned away with a frown on his face. This broke my heart, and part of me wanted to tell him so.
The thought that there will be people in this world that will not be nice to you in this life is something that makes me want to run interference for as long as I can, but I know that I won't always be there to protect you, nor should I. You will learn your own ways to deal with things in life. But the one thing you should know is that when people are mean to you, it has nothing to do with you. Nothing.
When people are not nice, say something mean, cut you off in traffic while you are driving in the fast lane, it's because they are having the issue in that moment and not because of something you did. Always know this. And always know that most people are good people who just have bad moments sometimes and it's important to love them through these times as well. So when someone is mean to you, or someone you love, I hope you still choose to do what comes naturally to you and smile at them anyway. Who knows, your beautiful smile might just change their mood.
You should also know that this was an isolated incidence. I can't tell you how many times sweet strangers go out of their way to come up to you to tell you, and mommy, what a cute/beautiful/sweet/happy baby you are. People often say to me, "What a happy baby she is." This warms my heart. I do think you are a happy baby, and my hope is that you always see the beauty in life and that it gives you many reasons to smile each day.
It's been challenging to get this letter written to you, much less publish anything to my blog, as you are on a definite mommy kick these past couple months. I've always been able to calm and soothe you but lately you cry when I leave the room and won't fall asleep unless I am with you, usually with your hands touching my face. I suppose this is your way of knowing I am still in the room with you. Once I get you to sleep, I usually let Daddy put you back to sleep should you wake up, this used to be really easy to do. And even though you love Daddy so much, and often want nothing more than to be with him, you will now just cry until I come into the room. Once you see me, you instantly calm down and relax into my arms and back to sleep.
I must admit guiltily, there is a part of me that loves this. However, since mommy works at night, it does make it challenging to get any actual work done at times. I know, however, that this time of you wanting mama so much will pass and there will even come a time when you won't want me around. A time where you won't let me kiss your cheeks all day or put your feet in my mouth for hours at a time, or cry when I leave the room. So, in this moment, I surrender and am just here for you, in every way.
Your nine month birthday fell on Christmas Eve this year, your first holiday festivities. We celebrated quietly at home, our original plans of traveling to be with family falling through. Your Daddy and I gifted ourselves with a video camera this year so we could document moments in your life to have and to share.
Mommy captured a few moments of us on Christmas morning and decided to show the world how silly we actually are:
Merry Christmas, Angel. You are without a doubt, the best gift we could have ever hoped for.
Love,
Mama
taken by Jimmy who kept saying it didn't come out, but I disagree, I love this shot.
I am finding myself excited for the 16th of each month lately as I love announcing the lucky names of the people who are receiving necklaces soon. But there is also that part of me that wishes I could pick everyone's names.
So, without further ado...
This month's Joy + Peace necklace is going to ..... Becca!
Last month's Gratitude necklace was never claimed by Kristen Hendrich's and while I am sad that she didn't leave an email, link or any way for me to get in touch with her, I am happy that the second name I drew that day is..... Darlene... congrats!
Please send me your addresses so these can be around your lovely necks stat.
Next month's giveaway will be announced at the beginning of January.
P.S. Thank you for sharing all your holiday stories with me, I am definitely feeling the true meaning of the holidays this year.
Miranda's nine month belly
Two years ago today marks one of the saddest days of my life.
One year ago today I wrote a bit about holding on to hope.
Today, and everyday, I am filled with love and gratitude as I look at my amazing daughter who has healed me in every way.
I met my friend, Miranda, through my blog. Her journey to motherhood is similar to mine. We bonded over something that no one really wants to have in common, but happily discovered our friendship was based on more than loss.
Miranda hired me when I launched Clover & Sage, the catering business I started to honor the two little souls I had lost. When I catered her Christmas party last year at six months pregnant, I was worried how she might react as I know firsthand the conflicting emotions that can surface. She was nothing but her sweet self and truly happy for me and my blossoming belly. When I became overcome with exhaustion during the later part of the party, she made me sit down and call it a night. Here she was, paying me for my services and catering to me instead. I felt taken care of and understood in that moment and hopeful for her, that she would soon know the exhaustion I was feeling firsthand.
One month after I gave birth to Isabella, Miranda discovered she was pregnant once again. This evening was her annual Christmas party and I am happy to report that she is gorgeous and glowing with her sweet Aine (Awn-ya) who is due to make her grand entrance into the world very early next month.
Tonight was symbolic for me. Two years ago today I could barely stand on my own ~ my heart, and hope, shattered. Today, two years later, I celebrated this evening as a new momma with someone who is about to be a new momma and thought of all the other new momma's there are in this moment and my heart burst open with joy.
When I look at Isabella, I can't help but look at this day a bit differently now. She embodies love. To me, she represents all that is good and pure. She is the answer to many of the questions I had during a broken time in my life. I am so in love with her. She has healed me and has allowed me to let go**.
I will always honor the little souls I carried for a short while as Clover & Sage in my heart, but also feel I can now look at December 14th as more than just a day of sadness and once again as also the three year anniversary of the day I started my blog and all that has transpired since then.
** Note to my mom: I so get it now, the love you have for your child. You really don't know until you have one of your own, but I finally get it and I feel I understand you more now. I love you.
Gift Wrapping now offered in my Etsy shop
Thanks to everyone for the kind words of hope during my moment of grinchiness.
A couple nights ago we were all in the bathroom playing with Isabella in the mirror. We had just given her a bath and she was wearing some cute Christmas pajamas someone had given her. Jimmy said something about how when she starts walking, how cute it will be to see her running around being all excited for Christmas. I could see this picture he painted so clearly that my grinchy heart actually melted, oozed out of my body and puddled into a gooey love mess all over the bathroom floor. It was in this moment that the Grinch left my body and I realized that I really want to make Christmas a special, magical time for her.
I started thinking about family traditions and what I wanted to create for our little family and the one word that kept coming back to me was togetherness. Whether we are home, with family or traveling the globe to show her how other countries celebrate their cultures and traditions, I just want us to be together.
When my grandmother was alive she used to give me an ornament each year from Hallmark. Although I am not much of a Hallmark person, I thought the sentiment was really sweet and I thought it might be fun to make ornaments with Isabella each year, perhaps a tradition we can create together with no rules or expectations. She can invite her friends and make it a party, we can make cookies, who knows? We'll see where it all takes us.
While I am still working my way through the whole tree issue, I thought it might be fun to make a tree this year with things we found outside in nature. I have no idea how my little Charlie Brown Christmas Tree will turn out, but I promise to post pictures when it's done. I do know it will be a giving tree and wishes will hang from it's branches.
I would love to hear some of your own holiday traditions...
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I have listed some items for sale in my Etsy store to make room for some new ideas I have. I will be listing more in the coming days for all the holiday procrastinators (like myself). These are necklaces that don't need to be made to order as they are ones I had made from past shows so I can package them and send them out ASAP, and in time for the holidays. So get them quick because I only have one of each that are ready to send now.
I am also now offering gift wrapping services on all orders.
So come check it out!
Joy & Peace
Is it really December? I am in some serious denial. I had all these grand plans to list special holiday items in my store, offer holiday gift wrapping on all necklaces, shoot photos for cards, and instead I am feeling overwhelmed, finding it hard to cross things off my to-do list, and getting over a month long cold. I am so tired and even putting a coherent sentence together is quite the undertaking right now.
I don't mean for this post to sound so bah-humbug, and I am not looking for advice. It's just that I know I am not the only one who feels overwhelmed this time of year and thought I should put it out there. I know I can start to feel very inadequate with all that I am supposed to be doing, and not accomplishing. I can feel downright hopeless at times with all the gifts I am supposed to be making or buying, and letting it overwhelm me in the short weeks leading up to Christmas.
I believe there are many of us who have all these wonderful intentions and then somehow end up feeling like we fall short. This post is to let you know that you are not alone. And if you are one of the truly gifted who have had all your holiday shopping done since summer, have all your cards sent out and are now kicking back and planning your holiday menu with a mug of eggnog while the lights of your tree are sparkling merrily in the background, know that I am happy for you. I am in awe of you. You truly rock and I want to be you when I grow up. But I also secretly want to punch you in the teeth, just a teensy tiny bit, and then kiss you so you will come to my house and work your magic. {wink}
I think it's hitting me extra hard this year because Christmas has somehow always felt forced to me. I don't get excited about it like so many of my friends do. I don't play Christmas music once the Thanksgiving dishes are put away, I don't decorate, and Jimmy and I aren't big on Christmas trees. I feel a lot of pressure mostly and I started to really worry about this last year when I realized my daughter was coming soon.
I sincerely want to make holidays special for her and I hope in the years to come her father and I can get it together enough somehow to make that happen. I want her to be excited for holiday season and feel magic in sparkling Christmas lights. I want her to know, and experience, the true meaning of giving and feel excitement in the anticipation surrounding all of it. This year, her first Christmas, she doesn't really have an understanding of what it's all about, but that certainly won't be the case next year, and all the years to come.
Perhaps I am just feeling very vulnerable and sensitive. I've been functioning somehow on about four hours sleep per night these past couple weeks and I am really starting to feel it. The bags under my eyes are all packed up and ready for a long trip to somewhere.
It's in these times when it's hard to find things to be grateful for but also when it's most important to recognize what we are grateful for. So for this week's Grateful Fridays...
Six things I am grateful for this week include:
1) Everything about Isabella. Every. Little. Thing.
2) Jimmy getting up with her one morning last week, so I could sleep an extra ten minutes. Every little bit helps
3) Participating in the Disney Holiday Craft Fair yesterday. It was really fun and great to meet so many crafty peeps
4) Jen Lemen's trust cards. Sweet gifts.
5) Reconnecting with a sweet soul after many years
6) Flourless chocolate molten cake with fresh berries
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This month's giveaway is pictured above. The holidays tend to bring conflicting emotions for many of us so I wanted to combine two powerful words that are prominent during this season, but can also serve as a reminder for all the days of the year.
Please leave a comment here by midnight, December 15th to be part of this giveaway. I will announce the name that was drawn on December 16th.
May the lucky recipient wear with Peace and Joy in their heart.
Note: The winner of my last giveaway has yet to claim her prize. Kristen Hendricks, if you are still reading this blog, please send me your address to stacied at mac dot com so I can send your pendant out to you. Unfortunately if I don't hear from you by the 15th of this month, I will be giving it to the second name that was drawn that day which I do just in case someone isn't able to claim their gift.
