Schmoopy

the business of beauty

 
As the search has begun for a new home for us to live, my thoughts are already turning to making it a cozy and warm place to be. The same has become true for my blog. You are going to see some changes to the content and decor in my little space here in the coming weeks.

Looking back on some of my more recent posts (with the exception of Isabella's letters and past giveaways), I realize that I am putting out a lot of yuck into the world. And really, who needs that? We all have it hard enough without coming to visit a blog just to hear more depressing news, that is what local news and reality television is for.

So, I made a conscious decision:
Instead, I wish to market beauty.
I want to make surrounding myself with beauty my business plan and put that out into the world.
My goal is to turn this space into a soft place to land at the end of the day.

I realize this may sound a bit Pollyanna of me and I want you to understand that while I can see that side of it, it's not really what this change is all about. I am every bit a realist (when I'm not dreaming) whose cynical side has a pretty healthy appetite. I just wish to promote the positive, for me as well as for anyone who stops by here. When I changed the name of my blog from Schmoopy to Bella Wish (beautiful wish) it was my intention at that time to make some positive changes, but somehow that got away from me and I lost a bit of my focus.

Honestly, we could all write long posts each day about the suffering that we all experience, and I get that misery loves company at times to help us see that we are not alone in our thoughts and fears, but I also realize I am a much more happy person when in the middle of a truly craptacular day, I can sit quietly and enjoy a beautiful sunset, a book filled with mood-filled photography or playtime with my daughter and lay my head down that night having called it a good day. That is who I am at my core and I choose to honor more of that side of me rather than what I have been spilling lately.

I always feel better after visiting a blog who has shared something truly delightful and uplifting and I seem to feel at a loss sometimes after visiting the blog of someone who has just shared something of great sorrow*. I had a couple of sweet, empathetic souls email me after my post about Mexico to tell me that they were still thinking of my story days later, expressing how sad they felt and it was an aha moment for me. I saw the bigger picture and switched my perspective. I don't want to make people sad. No one should have to carry my tales of woe around with them for days. So, please accept my apology for doing so. I would much rather just keep receiving the emails of those of you who write to tell me how your Bella Wish necklace has brought change and beauty into your worlds. I carry these stories in my heart.

While I realize each side is important in sharing of our story ~ we need to have the sorrow to see the beauty ~ my conscious decision has been to keep my bouts of venting and daily minutiae to my morning pages and close friends and family (lucky them, i know), and instead treat this space more as an extra cozy nook in my home. One in which i wish to fill with light, flowing curtains, inspiring books, colorful magazines, scented candles, farmer's market flowers, beauty-filled friends, soft music, gorgeous imagery and a cup of warm spiced tea.

Now, stop rolling your eyes completely, it won't be all sweetness and light around here. I plan to finally share the growing pains, and spurts, of calling myself an artist and the realities of being a creative business owner, but I invite us all to see a bit more of the beauty, and the lesson, amidst the pain.

I may be away for a bit as I begin to redecorate this space, so in the meantime please share with me something of beauty that you discovered today.

*I realized after posting this that I want to be perfectly clear that I am not talking about those who share sorrow as a way of healing. Many of us use our blogs to heal. Speaking for myself, I am sure I have saved thousands of dollars on therapy in exchange for the cost of a typepad subscription and am eternally grateful to have a safe space to have found a community in which to share my grief. I am merely talking about embracing the next phase of my journey by shining the light on the good things in life...

eleven

Dear Isabella,

Today you turned eleven months old. Every morning when you wake up, I find myself thinking that you have grown so much overnight. You are quickly transitioning from baby to toddler and I find myself torn between being so excited for tomorrow, yet still fighting to hang on to these baby moments before they disappear.

 

In this moment, I find myself trying to memorize every bit of you: the sweetness of your smile, the way your hair curls up into a flip around your ears, the wisdom in your eyes, how you try and stack cheerios and put things on your head because you have watched me do it, the way you pull on my hair each night while you fall asleep, the sweet little sounds you make while you are nursing, the way you gaze at me when I sing you silly songs, your sweet little voice when you say mama, how your entire body wiggles in pure excitement when you see Daddy walk through the door each night (or when you see Beyonce). If I could, I would capture your every sweetness and mannerism in a photograph so I will always remember you at this stage of your life.

These first eleven months with you have without a doubt been equally the best and most challenging year of my life. Even during those times where I thought I was going to fall apart and lose it completely, I still wouldn't trade this past year for anything. Much like how you giggle when you fall against a fluffy pillow, know you also give mama a soft place to land when things get crazy. Parents are led to believe that we must teach our children what we know, but the important thing to realize is how much children teach their parents what they already know. 

You continuously teach me great patience and how to be present in each moment. You teach me the importance of splashing water during bath time and that pure joy can be found underneath a clean bed sheet that is floating its way down toward you as the bed is being made. You teach me to laugh at the wind in my face on a gorgeous day. You remind me to show the people I love how excited I am to see them when they walk through the front door. You teach me to find my voice and use it. You teach me to not take time for granted. You teach me to simply observe all the little things as they are taking place around me and witness their moment. You teach me not to force things to happen, but to just trust that they will in their own time, when they are ready. You teach me love in a way I could never have imagined and why there is nothing parents wouldn't do to protect their children.

Now that you are here, I can't imagine life without you. You bring vivid, sparkling color to the world just by being you.

Love,

Mama

looking up

taken with my iPhone on our daily walk

The universe placed this email in my inbox the other morning:

Whatever it is you want, however you want to have it, no matter why you want to have it, Stacy, you can have it faster if you can first be happy without it.

Sneaky, clever, foxy, wry -
    The Universe

I admit that most mornings I skim through these sweet notes before deleting them as I am trying to clear out the dozens of junk email clutter that have collected throughout the night, but every once in a while one will definitely resonate. For me, this particular note speaks of what is currently happening my life ~ thinking I will be happy if only....

Before I go any further with this, I want to thank you for being so supportive, and non-judging, when I told my story of Mexico a couple posts ago. Some of you sent me the sweetest emails and comments, and a couple of you confided that you had been in my position. It was nice to feel understood and not judged. Thank you.

With most things in my life, I have always been able to acknowledge and move on, and what happened with Mexico is no different.

What I have been acknowledging is what happens when I pile too much on my plate. When I take it upon myself to be all things (mother, wife, businesswoman, friend, domestic goddess, social planner, landlord wrangler) and not ask for help, that is when things start to fall through the cracks and I think what happened last week was a wake up call for me to see that when I do this, frankly it gets to a point where I am no use to anyone, myself included. I know many can relate to this.

I have also been acknowledging that part of what has been piling on my plate is the will to try and force something to happen. I feel lately like I have been fighting too many things in my life, crossing too many a$%&*#@s in my path, hoping to change an outcome that perhaps I ultimately have no control over.

We received another bit of disappointing news a few days ago. Nothing earth shattering, but the kind of news that changes the course of a set plan of action ~ something I was trying to force to happen. I had a completely different reaction upon hearing this news that I otherwise thought I might. Instead of being reactionary, like I have been with everything lately it seems, a sense of quiet calmness washed over me that I haven't felt in a long time. I didn't have any reaction (other than to acknowledge it) and for once didn't feel as if I needed to.

I think it's because in the midst of the recent chaos, I am always seeking an answer to the question, "Now what?"and feeling the need to find the what immediately, as if it were my responsibility to do so. I think I finally realized I didn't need to immediately answer the question this time. I didn't need to do anything at all. Instead my body came up with a different idea... Go for a run it said.

Now, to know me is to know that I don't run. I don't have a gym membership, I don't do pilates, I barely practice yoga these days and the thought of me running is pretty comical. The only running I do is around the apartment with Isabella bouncing and laughing on my shoulders.

I do take a 2-3 mile walk most everyday with Bella which is my only exercise routine, so when the voice in my head kept blocking out the other voices by saying repeatedly go for a run I decided to not fight it for once.

I took Isabella over to our lake in Los Angeles, put her in her jogging stroller, proceeded to do my usual walk (still thinking that it would be silly for me to run) and immediately found myself jogging. In the past when I have tried to run, I would need to stop and catch my breath after about 30 seconds, but soon I was halfway around the lake and keeping up a steady jogging pace. I could feel my body releasing the tension with each step. It felt so good to be outside, soaking up some sun with my daughter. My body was letting me know what it finally needed ~ to give my mind a rest.

As we made our way around the lake, Isabella was giggling. I think she liked the breeze against her face as mama was pushing her a little faster than her normal walking pace. I checked in with myself a couple times as my time around the lake is when my mind tends to play. However, I also realized for once, I wasn't thinking about anything pressing, or anything at all. I was just being.

As we were on our way home, it was then that I understood that the questions that would inevitably appear, simply didn't need to be answered right away. Perhaps it wasn't even my job to answer the questions that were going to come up. The voice was clear that it was nothing I needed to worry about, or even think about, in this moment. My questions would be answered, but not that day. Go for a run was all I needed to know at that moment.

A few days later and I still feel the calmness I felt that afternoon. Not fighting so hard has freed up some space for me to enjoy my husband and my daughter in a way that was missing for a bit. We've been having fun. Our evening conversations have become light-hearted and playful once again. Business is picking back up at Bella Wish and time is finding it's way to me in small increments here and there to give wings to the ideas that have been scribbled in my journal for months now.

Thank you universe, for the gentle reminder that being happy is not about gaining something first, it's about being happy where you currently are so we may be truly open to receive. Thank you also for the gentle reminder that it's not my job to answer all the questions that have come up recently. My job is simply to listen when the answers reveal themselves and not use all my energy fighting for them to be revealed.

just imagine...

 

what if you chose to forgive yourself today
what if you realized that tomorrow is a brand new day, filled with possibility
what if you decided to not dwell on the past but embrace what can happen in this moment
what if you acknowledged that to err is human and we have all fucked up, more than once
what if you tested your superpowers to see how magical they indeed are
what if you changed the radio station in your head that is dialed in to KFUCT*
what if instead, you become the DJ of your own life
what if you invited the gremlins over for a tea party to let them know this
what if you treated yourself with the same tenderness and compassion that you show others
what if instead of beating yourself up, you took the time to gently wrap your heart in a cashmere blanket and tenderly snuggle it, even if only for a moment, each day
what if you chose to see the situation with fresh eyes
what if you took the lesson and turned it into positive growth
what if you replaced the word shame in your vocabulary with a word like juicy
what if you filled a bowl with rose petals, healing essential oils and warm water and soaked your feetsies, they work hard too
what if everytime you passed by your he or she, you kissed them cheekily
what if you channeled your inner 4-year old and let her have some uninterrupted playtime
what if you designated one day each week as an official worry-free day
what if you just let it go
what if you chose to forgive yourself today

what if (for you to fill in the blank)

*KFUCT courtesy of Anne Lammott

winter blues

palm springs ~ worlds away from Mexico

Last year our dear friends, Darwin and Eileen, got engaged. Shortly after announcing their engagement they announced it was going to be a destination wedding in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, on Valentine's Day, 2009. Isabella was still a newborn at the time and we soon found ourselves giddy with thoughts of sandy beaches, margarita's and poolside cocktails.

Not long after that, they completely threw me for a loop by asking me to photograph their wedding. As flattered and secretly excited at the thought of it I was (nerves aside) I told them to first put down the crack pipe and really think about what they were asking. I felt the need to remind them that I just play with my camera and that they should definitely hire a professional with fancy equipment as being responsible for someone's wedding photos was completely out of my scope of knowledge. Their only reply was We trust you. You know us. They will be great.

I made a decision that day that if they believed that much in me, than why couldn't I believe in me too? I decided I would do whatever I could to do right by them on their big day. I researched lenses, studied the wedding photos of other photographers I admired for inspiration, asked questions of some of my friends who are professional photographers, started to take Photoshop a lot more seriously and learn what I could in time to document their special day in the most artistic way and heartfelt way I knew how for them.

I took them down to the beach one day in December as sort of a practice shoot, just to see if I was way out of my league. It was there that I discovered that the beauty of shooting people you already know is that there is a certain comfort level there. It felt really natural. For me, it was magical... they melted my camera with the love that poured out of them.

Of course it helped that these two are completely at home in front of the lens. The sand became their playground and I was just there witnessing it all and pressing the shutter release. At times, I even felt that I was privvy to such personal and private moments that I could feel myself blushing... these two are just so playfully sexy together.

Doods ~ December 2008 (gallery will be posted soon)

After our shoot, I was feeling very alive and energized and that much more excited to shoot this day for them. I felt connected to them, and my camera, in an entirely new way. As the big day neared, my gremlins about this shoot were well tucked away far enough in the background where I couldn't hear them as much. My thoughts were focused on some time away with my little family and to witness the union of our friends on the warm beaches of Mexico.

*******

Well, reality slapped us in the face a big way Wednesday morning as we arrived at the airport. The time and preparation that had been put into this trip, the months and weeks waiting with anticipation, the lists that were made of everything we needed to remember to pack for a baby and the camera equipment I was taking, the excitement of getting away for a bit with all the challenges that we have been going through here at home were taken away in an instant when we realized we couldn't get on the plane because we didn't have a passport for Isabella. A major detail that went completely overlooked by both my husband and I.

It's strange how the shock of a situation makes things appear to move in slow motion. As the reality hit us that we would not be getting on our plane I was in such a state of denial. We both were. This can't be happening is all I could think, and say, over and over again. There must be some mistake. I had checked if she needed a passport. How could I have not checked? Who would be so stupid? I somehow got it in my head that she didn't need a passport until she was 24 months old and could board the plane with only her birth certificate which I had spent an afternoon in downtown LA weeks before acquiring.

This one missing piece of the puzzle put an entire butterfly effect into motion. There must be something you can do, someone who can help us, I pleaded with the agent. She got on the phone to verify that, no, we were not getting on the plane without a passport for our daughter.

I instantly did the girl thing and took on all the blame. I felt like a moron. As I sat in the terminal with my computer on my lap searching for the website of the passport office I burst into tears. There it was plain as day... babies need passports. It was then that I began to beat myself up. I caused this. I did this. This is all my fault. I have failed my friends. I failed my Jimmy and myself. I've had months to check and double check, what the hell was I thinking?

 The plane is leaving without us. We just felt... loss.

After the shock wore off, all I could think was there must be a way to get an emergency passport. Sure enough there is. We found a place that could get Isabella a passport by the next morning. Hope began to shine through. We called our friends to tell them we would be there for the wedding after all, jumped in the car and took off to get her passport. On the way I realized we would still need to find a flight so I called the airline back to reschedule our flights. We were told we could take our same non-stop flight on Friday... for an additional $1000 per person as the fare had changed.

It was around this time that I realized that my dance card was filled with too many a-holes lately and the fight came out in me. I spent a good portion of the evening on the phone with Delta airlines trying to get them to just honor our tickets and put us on the flight. Jimmy and I have missed flights before for various reasons and were never once charged for additional airfare. One agent and three supervisors later and all they would do is waive the $150 penalty and lower the fare to $700 pp since there were only two seats left on that flight (we only need two seats, I reminded them) or we could take a Saturday flight with an eleven hour layover in Salt Lake City that would have us arriving somewhere around 10:00 pm the day of the wedding. Seriously Delta, wtf?

There is no happy ending to this story. We didn't go to Mexico and I am so terribly sad (and angry) about it.
I'm sad that we didn't get to enjoy our ocean view room.
I'm sad to not be dancing on the beach.
I'm sad to not have the chance to relax and unwind for a bit.
I'm sad that I am not there documenting the day for my friends.
I'm sad that we just didn't have the means to throw an extra $1400 at the problem and just get on the flight.
But mostly I am just sad that we aren't there this very moment to celebrate with our sweet friends such an important event in their lives.

I'm angry that Delta could not show one ounce of compassion and just let us use our tickets for the last two seats on the Friday morning flight. Sure, we would have missed two days of our vacation, but we would have been there for the wedding.

However, I'm more angry at myself and trying hard not to be... In the past few days I have realized a few things that I will be writing about soon.

********

We made a spontaneous decision and realized that rather than stay home and be depressed that we indeed needed a distraction, and a little time away, so we have been in Palm Springs for the past few days and just returned home today. We chose Palm Springs randomly as it was close and Jimmy had never been.

I will write a separate post about Palm Springs because as much as it was a bit rough at first, we were able to turn it around and ended up having a really great time so for that I am grateful. It was good that we went.

Tonight my thoughts are with my beautiful friends, Darwin and Eileen, as they celebrate the next chapter in their lives as a married couple. I hope they are at this moment dancing on the sand with nothing but pure joy in their hearts and champagne in their bellies as they embark on their new adventure.

We love you, doods

congratulations.....

rainy monday

Marianne!

Oh wow. So, I thought I could have the person who received this final giveaway have their gift before Valentine's Day, but this beautiful Kiwi lives clear on the other side of the globe.

Um, sweet girl, it's going to be a bit late. Send me an email telling me where to send you some LOVE.

Thank you to all who participated in my monthly giveaways. It won't be the last giveaway you will see here, they will just be more sporadic as I make room for the garden to grow.

... and speaking of giveaways

the legs that denise is speaking of on her vlog ~ photo by jen gray

If you go over and visit the delicious Denise over at her Boho blog, she is giving away a copy of Ordinary Sparkling Moments. Woot!

You can watch her, via vlog, talking about her incredible friendship with the divine Christine Mason Miller. It's a beautiful tribute and what this community is all about. If you don't already have a copy of Ordinary Sparkling Moments, I urge you to bring one into your life. You won't be disappointed.

Let me share one of my favorite pages of Swirly wisdom:

"It is innately human to want to hold on to things ~ people, memories, objects, moments.

But life does not allow for such grasping on a permanent basis, and perhaps our greatest challenge as expressive beings... to create for the sake of creating, knowing that what we create might not have any value beyond our doing it, knowing it will someday be gone.

To live for the sake of living, knowing each moment we have is over with every blink of an eye, knowing we will someday be gone, with only our creations left behind."

I know, right?

Christine's book is my go-to book for daily inspiration and to always remind me to look for the sparkle in my everyday moments. She is a role model, friend and mentor in my life and in addition to asking me to participate in my first gallery show with her last year, she makes me laugh. A lot.

Both of these ladies have changed my life in positive and profound ways and I love them both to the stars and back. It makes me smile wide knowing there is a truly luscious giveaway combined with a great deal of love, and legginess, in Bohoville.

Good luck!

Valentine love and *final* giveaway

Limited Edition LOVE pendant for sale in my Etsy shop

My friend Kevin gave me a Barefoot Contessa cookbook for Christmas called "Back to Basics". Yes, it's filled with yummy recipes but even moreso, the author of the book, Ina Garten, built a space that is basically a kitchen studio where she can cook and entertain in one yummy space. I sometimes open the pages of the book just to imagine the possibilities of cooking in a kitchen like hers.

Some of you may know that both Jimmy and I love to cook. As part of this passion, I have always had this dream of having space around my home for an outdoor dining room with an old rustic table scattered with votive candles, pillows covered with colorful fabrics for lounging lazily, trees lit with lanterns and tiny lights like fireflies where Jimmy, Isabella and I could spend dreamy evenings surrounded by good food, great wine, friends and family.

I mention this because as it started to rain today, I found myself that much further from this dream as rain here brings leaks and the fact that Jimmy and I haven't had people over in years due to the degrading of our place. At first I was sad, and then mad and now I am motivated to take control of my situation and do something about it already.

I made a list at the beginning of the year of goals I would like to accomplish in 2009, dreams I would like to manifest and what it will take to get there.

One of them is growing my business and branching out into other avenues. Another goal I have is to write more. I know it might sound crazy, but my hope is that the combination of these two will one day find me serving yummy dishes to friends on a giant rustic table outdoors in a dream home of my own.

So, with that I need to make a couple announcements: This month will be the last month of Bella Wish giveaways. I have truly enjoyed hosting these giveaways; however, I notice that while it's fun and rewarding, it seems to have taken over this blog the past few months, allowing for no room, or time to work out my thoughts through written word or sharing here as much ~ the main reason for starting my blog in the first place. I seem to be losing pieces of me here.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I need to spend more time focusing on my list of goals and reassess where I am at in a few months. I'm feeling out of practice and it's time to get back to basics.

I will have some announcements here shortly about some new products that will be a part of Bella Wish as well as stretching my wings in other areas throughout the year. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself, but I also need to get to work.

So it is indeed with love that this month's final giveaway is in honor of Valentine's Day, a day all about love. I wanted to make something really simple, subtle and delicate to wear alone or layered with other necklaces. This piece is a 5/8" sterling silver rounded square pendant hand-stamped with LOVE and accented with a .925 embraced heart charm. Entire piece is oxidized to look antiqued.

Please leave a comment here before midnight on Saturday, February 7th to enter this giveaway. I will announce the winner Sunday in the hopes that they contact me right away and may receive the pendant before Valentine's Day.

If you wish to purchase this pendant as a Valentine gift for yourself, or someone you love, I have listed it in my Etsy store as a Limited Edition pendant for February only. Come March 1st, they will no longer be available.

As one last gift to you, I am offering free shipping on all my pieces for the remainder of February as well.

Happy Valentine's Day to you and wishing that all of you are one step closer to your dreams.

perspective

her first swing ride ~ {click image for larger view}

Thank you so much for your comments and emails regarding my vlog. Yes, that word makes me cringe too. When I watched it I realized I didn't say half of what I wanted to say and it probably didn't make much sense anyway. However, it was fun to do and I needed the outlet.

I did want to address a couple things that some of you mentioned that didn't make it in the video just to be clear:

* Yes, we are very aware that we need to move and are working on making that happen. Los Angeles is just one of those cities where it's easier said than done. Plus we really love our location and finding someplace that we can afford in an area we like is the challenge. But we are confident it will happen, and soon.

* Yes, we knew from day one that the new owner wanted us out of the building so he could charge much more than what we are currently paying. That is no secret. He's a bit passive~aggresive in his approach.

Last week was filled with phone calls to lending agents, lawyers and the DWP.  We are drained and know this is just the beginning.

Saturday morning we all slept in and walked to our favorite cafe for a late breakfast. On the walk home we strolled through the Farmer's Market. Jimmy held Isabella on his shoulders, her favorite place to be. As we walked, he pulled me in close and gently reminded me that we have many positive things to focus on and we are still a family.

This was exactly what I needed to hear to put the enormity of our situation in perspective. His warm words seeped all the way through me. I know in my heart this is the truth and is what matters.

We spent the rest of the weekend doing nothing but having fun as a family and letting go of it all for a bit. We strolled through the neighborhood, helped some friends celebrate their engagement, ate good food and played with our daughter until we were all exhausted..

Today we slept in and took Isabella up to Griffith Park to ride the carousel. We then took her to the playground where she made many new friends and enjoyed her first ride on the swings. Tonight Jimmy made a chocolate cherry souffle. In so many ways, it was just a perfect day and has shifted my perspective back into what is truly important.

Tomorrow the craziness of our situation will begin once again, but I will carry with me the warmness of this weekend closely.

I would love to hear some special moments you experienced this past weekend as a way for us to all keep it in perspective.