have your cake

The night before my birthday, I was lying in bed with Jimmy. We had just put Isabella to sleep, and as she lay peacefully between us, I whispered to him, "I'm not ready to be forty-one yet." Looking back, I do this every eve of my birthday. I try and hold on to that last bit of what was rather than see what is. Then of course, the day of my birthday comes and I accept my new status and do it all again the next year. It's a fleeting moment, this vicious circle, that I have every year, but I do have it.

That is why I realize that what I am about to say contradicts all that -- such is the constant debate taking place inside my mind.

Recently I was futzing around on Facebook, which is all too common these days, and I noticed one of my sweet friends (she will know who she is when she reads this and I send her big love) had updated her status with her new number. I also noticed that she said this year that she was "skipping the cake."

I could be completely off on this, but I took this to mean that she wasn't exactly celebrating her new number and it got me thinking about why we (women especially) place so much resistance on getting older.

I know we all have those birthdays that are more rough than others. For me, it was turning twenty-six and then thirty-five. When I turned 26, I remember feeling that all those things I (ahem) should have accomplished before I reached 25 were still sitting there untouched. I had yet to obtain a college degree, I was nowhere close to having a career, was dating all the wrong guys, and I didn't even have my own apartment. I was feeling like a bit of a loser you could say.

What I was failing to see was that I was living in Alaska, one of the most majestic states in America, spending time with my new baby sister and experiencing the accomplishment of painting a large public wall mural for a local business. I was collecting experiences such as hiking during the midnight sun, driving around at 2:00 am with my father searching for the northern lights, fishing for halibut, tasting what it's like to sled with a pack of dogs and connecting with my truest self away from certain life pressures. All things that I now look back on as having significantly shaped who I am today.

Turning 35 was scary for me only because I was feeling sort of old and still struggling to find where I belonged in this world, I suppose, and since then I haven't really put much effort into celebrating my own birthday; I spent many years "skipping the cake" as well. Of course now I look back and just want to smack embrace those girls and to help her at each stage try to clearly see the beauty of the moment.

Nowadays, I tend to see most things from the perspective of myself as an 80 year-old woman. I picture who I might be at that stage in my life and in those situations when I am seeking an answer to something, the question goes directly to her. I do this because I had one of my grandmothers die peacefully in her nineties, having lived a very rich life filled with love, laughter and friends right up until her last day and another grandmother die a somewhat traumatizing and not-so-peaceful death way too young. Before she went, she told me she was leaving with some regrets about her life ~ how she wished she had traveled more and taken more risks. I loved my grandmother very much, but the lesson I took from that experience is that I don't want to leave this life with those types of regrets. I choose to see my 80 year-old self as healthy, vibrant and still dancing, with the knowledge that I have truly lived.

I know she (myself as an 80-year old woman) would have much to say to the innocent 26 year-old me who thought she was supposed to already have the world figured out at such a tender age and I suspect she would also have much to offer the 35 year-old me who no longer saw the point in celebrating her own birthday.

So, even though I was somewhat if half-heartedly resisting my  new number this year, as I am conditioned to do each year on my birthday, I also looked to my 80 year-old self and realized that I am still very much a fledgling at 41. I am only now feeling as if I am discovering who *I* truly am and know this is just the beginning of opening up myself to so much more. I am taking all my life experiences I have collected until this point and using them to write the next chapter of my life. I know that when I turn 51, 61, and 71, the story will only continue to get more interesting and I will see what I truly have in this moment, at this tender age. And while I am not exactly running out to have printed tees made that say "41! Hells Yeah!", I am recognizing that I am happiest where I am right now, in this moment, at this age, and that is a beautiful thing to acknowledge.

Someone very dear to me once told me that life gets better the better we get at it, and each year I find that his words ring more and more true. Getting older is an amazing gift, not the enemy as society would have us believe. I believe it is a gift because as we move closer to the end of our lives, we begin to truly live our lives with abandon. It becomes easier to give ourselves permission to soar and in doing so, we become free.

Perhaps it's because we no longer give a damn what others might think or perhaps it is because we no longer believe we are invincible as we did, say when we were 18, and the precious gift of life takes on new and significant meaning. Saying no when we need to becomes easier, as does saying Yes.

My 80 year-old self is thrilled that I making preparations to live in France for a year and claps like a little girl when she sees me taking risks that go against the norm of all the "shoulds" in this life.  She loves to see me dance each day with my daughter and reminds me that what we create and celebrate today is what builds our tomorrow.

Part of my motivation is to keep her smiling because when she and I do come face-to-face one day, I want to bring her a life spilling over with memorable stories, colorful experiences, real-life dreams, happiness, laughter and love above all.

I have been celebrating with cake for the past three days.

~~~~~~~~~

**A heartfelt Thank You so much for all the birthday wishes here and over on Facebook. Feeling all squishy over here.**

Comments

[mindy]

happy birthday, love. hope you had a huge piece of cake to celebrate! as i get older i love feeling the notion that with each year i am becoming more of myself and who i am supposed to be. i've heard women speak of this, of this calm place of claiming your identity and yout true joy. age brings us this beautiful gift. i would take that in exchange for a few wrinkles any day :) and at this age we still have yet a whole other lifetime ahead of us to live... imagine what will be! here is to a wonderfully amazing 41st year. big hugs xo

[stacy]

thank you mindy. i am still eating cake, going on four days now.
i am absolutely feeling calm and claiming my identity and true joy:: well said.

xo

[Sarah]

I was resisting my 40th too (more than a few years ago!), until someone told me, "oh honey, it just keeps getting better." And I believed her. And that made all the difference.

Also, I like to ask the question, "how old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?" Each day is precious, because we don't know how many we're going to have. So enjoy the day, regardless of what number is attached to it.

[deb]

Happy birthday. I'm turning forty seven this year and I like getting older, I don't look as good on the outside as I did when I was younger but on the inside, I'm way more beautiful now:)

[Marianne @ Zen Peacekeeping]

I have no doubt that when you and your 80 year old self meet face to face you will embrace each other with joy and gratitude for a life lived well. x

[darlene]

i am so with you on everything you wrote here which is why when i turned 40, i was really quite thrilled and am happy to be nipping on your heels to turning 41 :-) you make it look amazing and i hope that i can make it look amazing for those nipping on my heels.

all i know is that every year seems better than the last :-) muah beautiful, xoxox

[liz elayne]

i love what you have said here. so glad you shared this... we lean into ourselves with each year i think...lean in and and feel our way through who we are to be.

and yes to celebrating with cake!

[Daphne]

What a great piece and a lovely reminder to live fully no matter what age. This year I turn 35 and am, truthfully, feeling a little worried about it. So this was a nudge at just the right time for me. Thanks. And you are beautiful at 41. :)

[Gina]

beautiful.

[amanda]

This is wonderful. I love the idea of meeting up with your 80 year old self and presenting her with your life experiences - and at the end of the day, it's really up to us to make our lives worthwhile and meaningful - and to not get caught up on numbers. Besides, who would ever want to skip cake?

[Kelly]

happy birthday. what a beautiful, beautiful post.

[doorways traveler]

loved this. really really loved this.
xo lisa

[Mama Zen]

What a gorgeous, gorgeous post!

Happy Birthday!

[Molly Brown]

"Life gets better the better we get at it." I just love that. Thanks. For all of it.

[kathy]

happy birthday!

thanks for sharing all that you do in your blog. how blessed your friends are to have someone so open with feelings and thoughts!

i hope you will tell more about living a year in france (i am dreaming of escape).

this entry really stuck with me - and it helps me to know that (while we are all unique) i am not alone in some of my feelings and wishes.

a question, though - who has cake left after even two days?!! not me. :)

someone who is 51 and trying to live a good life

[maria]

delurking:)

I know i'm late to comment on this post but since i've come back to reread it several times now I thought I should say thanks. The part about turning 26 pretty much sums up my feelings of turning 25 this past yr. I had yet to let a b-day phase me but somehow 25 startled me with the exact feelings you mentioned experiencing at 26. Reading your blog, I marvel at your wonderful, rich and love filled life. Thanks for some perspective that just because I don't have all those things at my age and feel so confused it all comes together in time and in the meantime I need not miss our on the wonderful beauty of now!
maria