Schmoopy

#48 - Apologize to Kevin Spacey for interrupting his breakfast that one time because I was having a moron moment

a few things I am currently loving

Petites fleurs blanches available in Au fil de's Etsy shop

Style Statement by Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte

MyChelle Dermaceuticals Pumpkin Renew Cream

the dreamy images over at Au fil de

pink peonies

my Strength print from Pixie at Animama

Ben Taylor ~ sounds just like his dad and umm...  he's kinda hot in that folky-barefoot-lanky-tattooed-guitar-player way.

my daughter's gorgeous ringlet curls

feather headbands

Madflowers (thank you Jen Gray)

frozen mango, spinach and banana smoothies

I'm bringing bloomers back

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what are you currently loving?

the space between

Isabella and me taken by either Kim or Dyer with my camera

Before giving birth to Isabella, and Bella Wish, I worked with high school students for a few years. Because my days were scheduled around the LA Unified School District schedule, it meant that I pretty much had the summers free since many students and teachers were not in the classroom during these months.

One of the few things I will say I miss about working for this particular company was having around 80 deliciously lazy days in the summer months in which to do anything I pleased. Okay, I miss the steady paycheck too. My colleagues and I worked so hard during the school year that having that time off was like recharging our batteries. It also gave me a new appreciation and understanding of what teachers of all grade levels must go through.

We all get overwhelmed, that's part of life. If you were to unroll my current to-do list it would travel out the door, down the stairs, over the hill and into the next county. Not only that, but when I do finally check some big item off that I feel good about, twenty more items will instantaneously show up in it's place.

When my plate fills up like this, I tend to become frozen and not do any of it. I become foggy and lazy and wish to pretend I'm an ostrich and hide my head in the sand. Because I was noticing this pattern emerge lately, I finally had to accept and see the difference between all that needs to be done versus what I am realistically able to get done and let go of the pressure I was putting on myself. I was longing for some lazy summer days.

Something I have been neglecting is taking care of my own heart -- why don't we ever put things like that on our lists? Taking care of my daughter during the day plus doing my best to run this household, working late into each night and then again all weekend while Jimmy and Isabella went to play was causing me to feel lost between what I want to do for work and what I need to do for work.

In the spaces between of all this business of feeling that I had too much to do that was filling my every moment of every day,  I was finding myself craving things like movies, books, cooking, sleep, laughter and play, stillness, family time... and yes a pedicure... still.

I started to recognize that my own batteries needed recharging and even though my former teachers taught me that summer break came to be so children could help their parents in the fields back in the day (why did they have to harsh my mellow) I see summer break as a time to recharge so that we might come back to ourselves and our work fresh-faced and renewed and eagerly ready to write those What I did on my summer vacation papers.

I decided to indulge in the spaces between must do's and should do's and give myself a bit of a summer break from the pressures of doing it all now. The past few weeks I have enjoyed some vacation time to allow myself to just play on the weekends with my family, watch movies, try a new recipe, go to sleep when Isabella does, or indulge in reading a book for pleasure so that I may come back to my work completely inspired and with renewed zest and vigor. I am ready to take it all on and be present to my passion again.

Next week our dear friend Dawn is coming to stay and play for two weeks as part of her own summer holiday. Right now the plan is to head to the Bay Area for a few days and perhaps spend a little time on sailboat. I can't wait to get Isabella out on the water.

I am finally ready to embrace some lazy summer days ahead.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours...

Me, Dawn and Irka feeling happy at Oktoberfest in Germany ~ 2005

I haven't seen the movie The Bucket List, but was intrigued by the idea of creating a list of 100 things I'd like to accomplish before leaving Earth. When Maggie posted her list a while back, she inspired me to create my own life list.

While reading hers, I noticed that I had actually completed some of the items that were on her list and realized that part of the fun is seeing and hearing about what others have already experienced and wish to do. It all becomes part of writing and telling our own stories.

So, I finally finished my list and decided to post it for fun, but also for accountability. I included some items that had I not already done, would certainly be on this list. So, yes, there are a few items that are already checked off, but it's a motivating way for me to keep crossing off items as my life progresses.

So, here is my life list. If you have yours posted somewhere, please leave your link here in my comments. I would love to see what awaits you...

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1.      Eat roast chicken in Paris
2.      Have a garden where I grow my own herbs and vegetables
3.      Eat a meal prepared by one of the Iron Chefs
4.      Share a meal with Nigella Lawson
5.      Eat at the French Laundry
6.      Eat a meal prepared by Alice Waters in her kitchen
7.      Go dog sledding in Alaska
8.      Design, build and live in a house that I own with my husband and daughter
9.      Remodel a kitchen
10.    Paint a series of paintings that are shown in a gallery and actually sell one of them
11.    Have an article that I have written published in a magazine
12.    Write a book
13.    Publish a book
14.    Have an ancient tree in my backyard that I can hang things off of like lanterns and twinkling lights
15.    Become conversational in French
16.    Live in France for one year
17.    Take a cooking class in Italy
18.    Snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef
19.    Finish reading The Art of Eating
20.    Jump seven waves in Brazil on New Year's Eve
21.    Pay off my student loan debt
22.    Be financially independent
23.    Meditate without my thoughts taking over
24.    Zip line somewhere exotic
25.    Take a trapeze class
26.    Take a belly dancing class
27.    Take a Thai food cooking class
28.    Visit Thailand and Vietnam
29.    Own a vacation home somewhere near the ocean
30.    Settle down somewhere other than Los Angeles
31.    Teach a class/facilitate a workshop
32.    Write handwritten lengthy letters to my closest friends and family members
33.    Ride a horse on the beach
34.    Adopt an elephant
35.    Rescue a dog
36.    Publish a cookbook
37.    Ride a train across Canada
38.    Jump in the ocean… naked
39.    Fly in a hot air balloon
40.    Take Isabella to Hawaii
41.    Be proposed to under the Eiffel Tower
42.    Eat sushi in Japan
43.    Have a claw foot tub in my bathroom
44.    See my name on a film screen
45.    Learn to play a song on the piano that isn’t chopsticks
46.    Swim with dolphins
47.    Go Christmas caroling door to door while wearing appropriate caroling attire
48.    Apologize to Kevin Spacey for interrupting his breakfast that one time because I was having a moron moment
49.    Illustrate a children’s book
50.    Write a children’s story for my daughter
51.    Visit the Louvre
52.    Attend a taping of Saturday Night Live
53.    Hug Barack Obama
54.    Go for a walk with Elizabeth Gilbert
55.    Host a dinner party on the beach
56.    Learn to say I love you in 25 languages
57.    Experience Oktoberfest in Germany
58.    Try the pizza in Chicago
59.    Visit Anne Frank’s home
60.    Overcome my fear of ferris wheels
61.    Make a hardbound coffee table book from our wedding photos
62.    Learn to juggle
63.    Get one more tattoo
64.    Take Isabella kite flying
65.    Learn how to play Texas Hold Em'
66.    Learn the tango
67.    Remove the bump from the side of my nose
68.    Help someone achieve their dream
69.    Audition for a small role in a local theatre production
70.    Spend the night in a castle
71.    Makeover my website
72.    Write monthly letters to Isabella
73.    Pet a Koala bear
74.    Help sea turtles hatch from their eggs and run to the ocean
75.    Help save the honey bees
76.    Have a home library with a ladder
77.    See a Broadway play
78.    Attend TED
79.    Shop at a flea market in Paris
80.    Sit in on a drum circle
81.    Help someone financially start a business
82.    Become incorporated
83.    Attend an artist retreat
84.    Attend a writers convention
85.    Complete all twelve steps of The Artist’s Way
86.    Master the perfect martini
87.    Speak fluent Spanish
88.    Watch all the movies in my Netflix que
89.    Read 100 books over the next five years
90.    Have my signature gift for newlyweds be photos I have captured of their special day
91.    Document Isabella in candid photos throughout her childhood and turn it into a book for her.
92.    Write a gushy smushy love letter to my husband each year on our anniversary
93.    Be a part of a community art project
94.    Completely remove white sugar from my diet
95.    Spend one month on a houseboat
96.    Meet all of the bloggers I have connected with on the internet
97.    Take a Photoshop course, one that focuses solely on photo processing.
98.    Make a piece of pottery with my own hands
99.    Create my own signature scent
100.    Grow olives and press my own olive oil

Your turn...

sunshine

Isabella wanted to wish you all a very happy weekend.

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I saw this quote written on the wall of a children's store earlier this morning. I thought it was sweet and wanted to share it with you:

"When I approach a child, {s}he inspires in me two sentiments;
tenderness for what {s}he is
and respect for what {s}he may become."

Happy weekend, everyone!

white water rafting through the rapids of ebb and flow

Isabella snuggling with her Uncle Kevin yesterday

Yesterday, I experienced what I suppose I would call a somewhat perfect parenting day. It certainly doesn't happen all the time but I woke up feeling rested, Isabella was all smiles and play as is her normal morning behavior and we had a fun breakfast date planned with her Uncle Kevin. Upon returning from our time with him, she immediately was ready for a cuddle and a nap. She fell asleep instantly and stayed in that sweet space of uninterrupted slumber for nearly two and a half hours. I'm still giddy thinking about it now.

During this golden time, the domestic goddess in me also made a somewhat rare appearance. I scrubbed both the kitchen and the bathroom (floors included), washed and dried nearly four loads of laundry, dusted, packaged up some Etsy orders, and even fixed Isabella's lunch early so it would be ready for her once she awoke. Trust me, this is *not* a typical day for me, and in fact, was probably a first if anything. Later, while my angel was happily eating her lunch I said something ridiculous to her like, "If you napped like this everyday, things would be perfect."

{insert record scratch here}

And then came today, an example of my not so perfect parenting day....

This day, that was followed by yesterday, my perfect parenting day, a mere 24 hours ago, that tasted as juicy as a summer peach picked straight from the tree.

Today, of course, was the day that I (ahem) needed her to take that two hour nap for *I* had procrastinated in getting some work done earlier and was counting on those two golden hours in spite of the fact that I had chosen to drink an iced tea at lunch after indulging in a yerba mate latte early this morning before dragging her everywhere to run errands instead of share our normal morning playtime.

I mention both of these drink choices only because I am still breastfeeding and she loves some mama cuddle time before drifitng to sleep. Breastfeeding + caffeine = no naps. At least it does in this house. Well, this afternoon, this thickly hot and sticky summer in los angeles with no air conditioning afternoon, after two hours of trying to get her to settle down enough to get to sleep, which resulted in her inevitable meltdown, I found myself quite cranky, irritable and even put her in a quick time out.

Of course the entire time I am saying to her, "This is my fault honey, not yours. You have done nothing wrong, mama is just being mad at herself." Because it was true. I couldn't be upset with her for not wanting to nap, I knew this was all me, but even the recognition of this fact didn't stop the grouch monster from building up inside me.

So, as much as I resisted, I put her in a time out despite her tears, and walked out to the living room. I took a few deep breaths to let go of what I was holding on to - which was the resentment attached to the work I needed to get done due to my procrastination and making me cranky in the process. It was exactly what I needed and once I felt the release I was ready to try again.**

I walked back into the bedroom, where she was quietly playing by that point, took her out of her time out and whispered, "Let's try this one more time". Almost instantly, her sweet little body melted into my arms as she drifted off to sleep.

Yes, she is asleep and I have rejoined peace. Yes, I could now be using this time to get my work done that I was so stressed about earlier, but I really did let it go while putting both of us in a time out and instead was led here to share my tide of ebb and flow.

I write these words as a reminder to all of us, mama's or otherwise, that we need these ebb days. Their message may seem hidden at times, but they are a well-meaning companion and a gentle reminder to appreciate the days in which we do flow. They teach us to acknowledge and be grateful for those days where we actually do feel like superheros and can take on the world while not taking it for granted. Ebb days are meant to bring us back to our reality.

We need to be gentle with ourselves on these ebb days especially and give ourselves the space we need to take a few deep breaths and loosen up that which is tightening around our hearts and minds and if nothing else to recognize that for every ebb we experience, there is a flow waiting for us just around the corner.

Now, if you will kindly excuse me, I am off to sit on the couch in front of the fan with a tall glass of ice water and just chill while my sweet Bella sleeps...

**I was able to let go in this way because of something powerful Momma Zen shared during her Mother's Plunge retreat. I will share more about that day soon. If she comes to your town? By all means, GO.

beach day

Isabella and I spent today soaking up some cousin lovin' beachside. I wanted to share a peek of what our day of play looked like. Thank you Roger, Jane, Kim, Tim, Bryce, Ellery, Dyer, Chris, Kai & Cole. We love you and miss you already.

Wishing your day was just as beauty-filled.

Speaking of beauty (how is that for a segue?) my first article for my newly featured column is posted over at the Wish Studio.

 

** for those of you asking me about the borders on these photos, they are from designer digitals. you may find them here. i am not sure if they are the exact ones, i have had these for a couple years, but they look like the same ones from what i can tell. enjoy!

Goodbye, Sweet Girl

A few weeks ago, our other baby, Nevada, was diagnosed with kidney disease. Jimmy and I were devastated, we never could imagine a time where she wouldn't just always be with us. We were hopeful that she would respond well to her treatments and could even possibly maintain a good quality of life for a while, except that she was having problems eating and staying hydrated. We had to up the amount of fluids we gave her daily as well as her other treatments.

Her loss of appetite ultimately caused her to lose too much weight to sustain. Two days before Jimmy's birthday last week, we accepted that we would bring her to the vet, and might not bring her home. I sat outside with her that day as she lay in a cool spot and told her stories of some of the wonderful memories I had of her in our family. When we brought her back to the hospital later that afternoon, our vet gave her us one last medication to try, but this past Monday we found out her bloodwork had come back extremely elevated for a kitty and her chances of survival didn't look good. He didn't want to give us false hope that she would recover and we discussed our options at that point.

We wondered if we could hold off making that last trip to the vet, just so Jimmy's birthday wouldn't just suck to high hell, and our vet told us that was fine, there was no urgency and to take an organic approach to bringing her in. He said she would let us know when it was time.

Well, wouldn't you know, the day before his birthday she started eating like a horse (went through about 4 cans of cat food) and was getting her energy back. She hung out with us on his birthday, and then my birthday, happy as a clam snuggled up on Jimmy's lap - her favorite place to be.

Around midnight on the night of my birthday, after I had gone to bed, she looked towards the door, got off of Jimmy's lap and went outside to go to the bathroom (or so Jimmy thought). Jimmy waited for her to come back until around 2:00 am before finally coming to bed.

We thought we had seen the last of her and our hope was that she found a quiet final resting place but we felt so empty, there were so many unanswered questions about her disappearance and we were just sad.

We both caught colds over the weekend and this past Monday evening were taking it easy, relaxing on the couch watching TV when we both heard a familiar meow.  For two sick people, we couldn't have flown off that couch any faster if we were olympic sprinters and when we opened the door, there was our sweet little kitty, announcing that she was home.

We were in so much shock, we couldn't believe that she came home to us. We wondered how she survived four days away without food and fluids, the loud fireworks over the fourth, where was she that she couldn't come home before. In the moment, all we could think was that she was the most amazing, magical kitty to have survived that long outdoors in her condition, yet somehow make her way back home. She was even more skinny then when she left so we immediately fed her and she was ravenous. She ate and ate but still couldn't drink water on her own.

She had a rough night that first night home and hid underneath our shower curtain for most of the next day. We knew what we had to do. We brought her in to talk to a vet (her regular vet was out of the country) and ultimately decided to give her a peaceful transition into her next life - I hear cats have nine of them.

I know anyone who has had to make that choice to put their beloved pets down didn't make the choice lightly, it's a hard decision to make, even when you know it's the best one.

Some may not understand, and think things like she's just a cat. But anyone who has ever bonded with an animal knows how very much they become a part of your family. She was our family. She holds so many of our memories having been with us for eleven years when we adopted her at 3.5 years old. We were connected in a very real way and she was definitely Jimmy's kitty, no doubt about it. We used to joke and always say he was her mommy.

When the doctor put the catheter in her leg before the final procedure, she didn't fight it like she normally does when she would be at the vet. When I went in to say my final goodbye, she was lying down in such a relaxed state and looked completely at peace. I made a comment about this to the vet and she said she hadn't even given her anything yet and that cats sometimes just get a sense. I truly knew then that we were doing the right thing for her.

I believe she came back to us Monday evening to help us have some closure, so we would know she went peacefully with no unanswered questions and so we could be together as a family once more. I am so grateful that she found her way home to us one last time.

Today, it's hitting me a bit more. It's weird being here at home without her. We will miss her announcing herself coming through the door each day, curling up on our laps and sleeping with us each night, the way she followed us from room to room and hung out with Jimmy on Ginger Lounge while he would garden, her uncanny ability to always know which night we were roasting a chicken. We will even miss being annoyed that she is napping in Isabella's crib or on her clean laundry, jumping up on the table during dinner or doing something else she shouldn't be. There are so many endearing habits of hers that just became such a part of our lives, living here without her just won't be the same.

We will miss you, Nevada. You are always in our hearts.

*I am closing comments on this post, because I know it's hard to find words in situations like these and we know that our friends and family and those who read this are sending their thoughts and love. We know we gave her a good life and that she was happy and loved. We are feeling a bit sensitive right now and just need a bit of time to adjust to our new life without our first baby.

have your cake

The night before my birthday, I was lying in bed with Jimmy. We had just put Isabella to sleep, and as she lay peacefully between us, I whispered to him, "I'm not ready to be forty-one yet." Looking back, I do this every eve of my birthday. I try and hold on to that last bit of what was rather than see what is. Then of course, the day of my birthday comes and I accept my new status and do it all again the next year. It's a fleeting moment, this vicious circle, that I have every year, but I do have it.

That is why I realize that what I am about to say contradicts all that -- such is the constant debate taking place inside my mind.

Recently I was futzing around on Facebook, which is all too common these days, and I noticed one of my sweet friends (she will know who she is when she reads this and I send her big love) had updated her status with her new number. I also noticed that she said this year that she was "skipping the cake."

I could be completely off on this, but I took this to mean that she wasn't exactly celebrating her new number and it got me thinking about why we (women especially) place so much resistance on getting older.

I know we all have those birthdays that are more rough than others. For me, it was turning twenty-six and then thirty-five. When I turned 26, I remember feeling that all those things I (ahem) should have accomplished before I reached 25 were still sitting there untouched. I had yet to obtain a college degree, I was nowhere close to having a career, was dating all the wrong guys, and I didn't even have my own apartment. I was feeling like a bit of a loser you could say.

What I was failing to see was that I was living in Alaska, one of the most majestic states in America, spending time with my new baby sister and experiencing the accomplishment of painting a large public wall mural for a local business. I was collecting experiences such as hiking during the midnight sun, driving around at 2:00 am with my father searching for the northern lights, fishing for halibut, tasting what it's like to sled with a pack of dogs and connecting with my truest self away from certain life pressures. All things that I now look back on as having significantly shaped who I am today.

Turning 35 was scary for me only because I was feeling sort of old and still struggling to find where I belonged in this world, I suppose, and since then I haven't really put much effort into celebrating my own birthday; I spent many years "skipping the cake" as well. Of course now I look back and just want to smack embrace those girls and to help her at each stage try to clearly see the beauty of the moment.

Nowadays, I tend to see most things from the perspective of myself as an 80 year-old woman. I picture who I might be at that stage in my life and in those situations when I am seeking an answer to something, the question goes directly to her. I do this because I had one of my grandmothers die peacefully in her nineties, having lived a very rich life filled with love, laughter and friends right up until her last day and another grandmother die a somewhat traumatizing and not-so-peaceful death way too young. Before she went, she told me she was leaving with some regrets about her life ~ how she wished she had traveled more and taken more risks. I loved my grandmother very much, but the lesson I took from that experience is that I don't want to leave this life with those types of regrets. I choose to see my 80 year-old self as healthy, vibrant and still dancing, with the knowledge that I have truly lived.

I know she (myself as an 80-year old woman) would have much to say to the innocent 26 year-old me who thought she was supposed to already have the world figured out at such a tender age and I suspect she would also have much to offer the 35 year-old me who no longer saw the point in celebrating her own birthday.

So, even though I was somewhat if half-heartedly resisting my  new number this year, as I am conditioned to do each year on my birthday, I also looked to my 80 year-old self and realized that I am still very much a fledgling at 41. I am only now feeling as if I am discovering who *I* truly am and know this is just the beginning of opening up myself to so much more. I am taking all my life experiences I have collected until this point and using them to write the next chapter of my life. I know that when I turn 51, 61, and 71, the story will only continue to get more interesting and I will see what I truly have in this moment, at this tender age. And while I am not exactly running out to have printed tees made that say "41! Hells Yeah!", I am recognizing that I am happiest where I am right now, in this moment, at this age, and that is a beautiful thing to acknowledge.

Someone very dear to me once told me that life gets better the better we get at it, and each year I find that his words ring more and more true. Getting older is an amazing gift, not the enemy as society would have us believe. I believe it is a gift because as we move closer to the end of our lives, we begin to truly live our lives with abandon. It becomes easier to give ourselves permission to soar and in doing so, we become free.

Perhaps it's because we no longer give a damn what others might think or perhaps it is because we no longer believe we are invincible as we did, say when we were 18, and the precious gift of life takes on new and significant meaning. Saying no when we need to becomes easier, as does saying Yes.

My 80 year-old self is thrilled that I making preparations to live in France for a year and claps like a little girl when she sees me taking risks that go against the norm of all the "shoulds" in this life.  She loves to see me dance each day with my daughter and reminds me that what we create and celebrate today is what builds our tomorrow.

Part of my motivation is to keep her smiling because when she and I do come face-to-face one day, I want to bring her a life spilling over with memorable stories, colorful experiences, real-life dreams, happiness, laughter and love above all.

I have been celebrating with cake for the past three days.

~~~~~~~~~

**A heartfelt Thank You so much for all the birthday wishes here and over on Facebook. Feeling all squishy over here.**

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