white water rafting through the rapids of ebb and flow

Isabella snuggling with her Uncle Kevin yesterday

Yesterday, I experienced what I suppose I would call a somewhat perfect parenting day. It certainly doesn't happen all the time but I woke up feeling rested, Isabella was all smiles and play as is her normal morning behavior and we had a fun breakfast date planned with her Uncle Kevin. Upon returning from our time with him, she immediately was ready for a cuddle and a nap. She fell asleep instantly and stayed in that sweet space of uninterrupted slumber for nearly two and a half hours. I'm still giddy thinking about it now.

During this golden time, the domestic goddess in me also made a somewhat rare appearance. I scrubbed both the kitchen and the bathroom (floors included), washed and dried nearly four loads of laundry, dusted, packaged up some Etsy orders, and even fixed Isabella's lunch early so it would be ready for her once she awoke. Trust me, this is *not* a typical day for me, and in fact, was probably a first if anything. Later, while my angel was happily eating her lunch I said something ridiculous to her like, "If you napped like this everyday, things would be perfect."

{insert record scratch here}

And then came today, an example of my not so perfect parenting day....

This day, that was followed by yesterday, my perfect parenting day, a mere 24 hours ago, that tasted as juicy as a summer peach picked straight from the tree.

Today, of course, was the day that I (ahem) needed her to take that two hour nap for *I* had procrastinated in getting some work done earlier and was counting on those two golden hours in spite of the fact that I had chosen to drink an iced tea at lunch after indulging in a yerba mate latte early this morning before dragging her everywhere to run errands instead of share our normal morning playtime.

I mention both of these drink choices only because I am still breastfeeding and she loves some mama cuddle time before drifitng to sleep. Breastfeeding + caffeine = no naps. At least it does in this house. Well, this afternoon, this thickly hot and sticky summer in los angeles with no air conditioning afternoon, after two hours of trying to get her to settle down enough to get to sleep, which resulted in her inevitable meltdown, I found myself quite cranky, irritable and even put her in a quick time out.

Of course the entire time I am saying to her, "This is my fault honey, not yours. You have done nothing wrong, mama is just being mad at herself." Because it was true. I couldn't be upset with her for not wanting to nap, I knew this was all me, but even the recognition of this fact didn't stop the grouch monster from building up inside me.

So, as much as I resisted, I put her in a time out despite her tears, and walked out to the living room. I took a few deep breaths to let go of what I was holding on to - which was the resentment attached to the work I needed to get done due to my procrastination and making me cranky in the process. It was exactly what I needed and once I felt the release I was ready to try again.**

I walked back into the bedroom, where she was quietly playing by that point, took her out of her time out and whispered, "Let's try this one more time". Almost instantly, her sweet little body melted into my arms as she drifted off to sleep.

Yes, she is asleep and I have rejoined peace. Yes, I could now be using this time to get my work done that I was so stressed about earlier, but I really did let it go while putting both of us in a time out and instead was led here to share my tide of ebb and flow.

I write these words as a reminder to all of us, mama's or otherwise, that we need these ebb days. Their message may seem hidden at times, but they are a well-meaning companion and a gentle reminder to appreciate the days in which we do flow. They teach us to acknowledge and be grateful for those days where we actually do feel like superheros and can take on the world while not taking it for granted. Ebb days are meant to bring us back to our reality.

We need to be gentle with ourselves on these ebb days especially and give ourselves the space we need to take a few deep breaths and loosen up that which is tightening around our hearts and minds and if nothing else to recognize that for every ebb we experience, there is a flow waiting for us just around the corner.

Now, if you will kindly excuse me, I am off to sit on the couch in front of the fan with a tall glass of ice water and just chill while my sweet Bella sleeps...

**I was able to let go in this way because of something powerful Momma Zen shared during her Mother's Plunge retreat. I will share more about that day soon. If she comes to your town? By all means, GO.

Comments

[Jeanne]

Stacie - good for you. I wish I would have had some of the amazing resources when my daughter was born 24 years ago as well as some of your wonderful insight.....keep it up...you are one amazing momma!

[Eileen Weigand]

Keep right on ebbing and flowing, Stacie. Thanks for posting the imperfection that is life as we know it and for showing how we can succeed at parenting and then reflect on the days that could have been better. xo

[Daphne]

A good and lovely reminder as days come and go with ease and difficulty. I'm glad you took time to sit with iced tea!!

[Lis]

Oh, as I was reading about your peachy day, I just knew KNEW the other shoe was about to drop! I love your approach - the Ebb and Flow - yes, perfect image. I can heard the mud scrunching/slurping dry as things ebb and the relief when the flow comes. I am reminded of when my cowgirl would sleep in and I could get up early to mediate and do some much needed yoga. And of course, as you know, once I got into a nice juicy routine, cowgirl decided to change wake up to the same time as mama's.

They are amazing, aren't they? Thank you for this ... I am looking forward to my round of flow pretty darn soon ...

[sueberry]

Bella & Uncle Kevin look so cute! Love the beach photos, too. Too bad all days can't come up smelling rosy, but such is life. You are doing great.....big hugs! Miss you & Bella, too. XOXO Auntie Sue

[renee]

all i have to say is: word, sista.

[Marianne @ Zen Peacekeeping]

Beautiful, honest, real. You rock!

[Erin {Juneau.Eco.Mommie}]

oh, I wanted to go to that retreat. Love your thoughtful, honest morsals devulged.
Your little lady is looking so big (and adorable) by the way
:)Erin