The promise of a new year tends to bring out the best in people. It brings about a wonderful feeling of starting fresh, a welcoming of spring, and for many, a long list of resolutions to tackle. Along with feelings of optimism come all those magazine articles on how to keep those resolutions throughout the year with everyone from Oprah to Martha giving us calendars , tips, and advice to follow on how this year will be your year to shine.
The great thing about this time of year is that these resolutions and fresh starts are voluntary choices. We get to decide that, “YES, this IS my year to shine, and shine I will!” And then follow through by taking the necessary steps to bring those goals to fruition, or not. But what happens when those choices of having to start over are involuntary? What happens when your beginnings come to an end before they ever began? What happens when starting over is not an option, but a necessity? Let me explain.
2005 started out as a year of voluntary change for me. Armed with optimism and full of ambition, I decided that 2005 would be the year that I would finally fulfill my lifelong dream of traveling to Europe, the year I would be promoted at my job and the year that my husband, Jimmy, and I would finally be able to purchase a home for us to call our own. A tall order, to be sure, but with careful planning a very doable one, or so I thought.
As the year progressed everything was falling into place. My boss became my mentor and was grooming me for a management position at the large studio I worked for. Planning was well underway for a whirlwind three-week adventure overseas to visit friends in England, France, Germany, Netherlands and Switzerland. We had even found our dream home. True it wasn’t for sale when we found it, but we discovered the owner was putting it on the market in October so the timing seemed perfect.
Then around July, my company went through a re-organization and I had my cheese moved. My boss was transferred to London and my position in the company became obsolete. Desperate for a change, and a paycheck, I was quickly offered a job as a project manager at a small start-up company and despite my better judgment, quickly accepted it. Three weeks after accepting my new position, Jimmy and I ecstatically boarded Virgin Airways for London Heathrow Airport, left our cares and troubles behind, and enjoyed the trip of a lifetime visiting friends, exploring, eating and drinking our way through some of Europe’s capital cities.
Somewhere during all this planning, we decided that life wasn’t insane enough and realized we wanted to start a family. You know, mix things up a bit. Kick all those quiet candlelit, wine and romance-filled evenings to the curb. Sleeping in? We have had the last 8 years to do that. We were ready for a challenge.
We smartly decided to hold off trying to conceive until we returned from Europe in early October. Reason being, we had lazy wine induced discussions at Paris café’s and Oktoberfest beer to tend to, not to mention soft cheeses as far as the eye could see. None of which are conducive to pregnancy, but one last hurrah, as it were.
I was somehow convinced it would take me a while to become pregnant and there would be months of practice involved. After all, 37 isn’t exactly what doctors consider prime time to conceive and my gynecologist was quick to remind me of this each time I saw her. Despite all that Jimmy basically sneezed on me and I happily found out I was pregnant about four weeks after returning from Europe.
During this time, we also began to speak with realtors and mortgage lenders about finally purchasing our dream home. Plans for a Las Vegas Thanksgiving family reunion, in which to share the happy news with everyone that we were expanding our family of two, were in the works as well. Everything was falling into place.
Then about 8 weeks into my pregnancy I became a statistic. A week before we left for Las Vegas I started to bleed. Two days before leaving for Las Vegas I miscarried. It was the most painful and sorrowful experience I have ever gone through. One where you realize your body has failed you. I wondered how one minute I could be growing a life inside of me, and how the next minute my body was rejecting that life. I started to question the unfairness of it all, especially when I would see healthy pregnant women. It was heartbreaking. It still is. People try and console you, but as any woman who has been pregnant can attest to, you become quickly attached to the little soul inside you and it’s hard to let go.
Two weeks after returning from a bittersweet family reunion in Las Vegas, I was laid off from my new job after only three months. We also discovered that the seller of our dream house wanted about $185K more than we could afford. Not that it mattered, as I no longer produced income to help fund a mortgage. The proverbial rug had been pulled out from under us leaving us lying on our backs, yet; somehow, we were still looking up. We realized that through it all we still had each other and as long as we had that, everything would be okay. Most important, we know we can conceive, which makes us feel blessed and keeps us in high spirits. I also know I will find another job, or alternate means of income. And there will always be other homes on the market, perhaps even one with a less greedy seller.
I walk through the doorway of 2006 more than ready to bid adieu to 2005 and embrace the changes this New Year will bring. However, I realize it is no longer my choice to start over. I simply have to start over. It hasn't been easy, but as each day passes, I realize that I have been given a second chance; I have been gifted a clean slate, a new beginning. I know I want to be a mommy, so that part was easy. I have faith it will happen this year. But I was in a job where I wasn’t following my heart, or my passions, and that is an awful place to be. I know there is more in store for me than what corporate America has to offer and I am taking some time right now to hopefully find out what that is.
I have been blessed with an incredibly loving husband who holds me when I need to cry, laughs with me when I think I am being funny, embraces my flaws and is my constant source of strength and voice of reason. I also cherish an amazing support system of friends, many whom have shared with me their own stories of miscarriage. I look at their beautiful babies now and know it will eventually happen for Jimmy and I. And when that time comes, I will welcome pregnancy again, happy to accept all the nausea, vomiting and heartburn in the world.
Welcome to 2006, everyone. I am very happy to be here. Embrace the beginnings this New Year will bring and may it be your year to shine.
Awwww, that was such a wonderful thing to read! I know that 2006 will be the year for you! I love you!
Posted by: Tina | December 31, 2005 at 07:25 PM