hope

candle designed by jen lemen, sent to me by a daisy

one year ago today marks one of the saddest days of my life.
i found out a year ago today that i had lost the second pregnancy i was carrying at thirteen weeks.

like the title of my post back then i was indeed broken.
reading it again now brings me right back to emotions surrounding all that took place on that day.

i remember everything about it so clearly, each slow-moving moment.
loss of hope, dreams, joy.

the thing about this past year is that each month stands out to me in so far as what i was feeling emotionally.
i can look back on each month and know where my heart was.

sure, this blog helps with documenting some of that, but it is also very vivid in my mind where, sadly,  many of my years have not been this way as i used to be somewhat of a queen of denial, holding everything messy inside.

from january until now i have cried more tears than i ever have in my entire life, and am completely okay with that. it helps me to realize that tears are a healthy part of living.
i feel things much more deeply now it seems, even though i have always been a sensitive soul.
i think now i just allow myself to get messy and have come to the late conclusion that it's okay to do this. healthy even.

i will tell you a secret.
i sat in my car today and cried for a solid twenty minutes.
just for a release.
i felt really good afterward.

i acknowledge that i have had a very rich and deep year of fully feeling everything from my darkest, saddest moments to anger and frustration to unbelievable joy and bliss and letting myself come face to face with it, feel it, live through it.

as i was reading back through some of my pregnancy archives, where i was writing about my grief, the one thing that stands out to me, even in those dark, scary, angry and alone moments (many of which i didn't share here) was i always carried a ray of hope. hope that i would become pregnant again, have a child and be a mother.

of course, when i found out i was pregnant again, i was immediately filled with anxiety, couple with deep gratitude. but slowly that anxiety gave way to hope. choosing hope became my mantra and although i can't predict the future, coming up on  24 weeks of pregnancy, i continue on a daily basis to choose hope.
i say the words.
i meditate on it.
i choose hope that this pregnancy continues to thrive and that jimmy and i will bring our little girl home in april.

we are so in love with her, grateful to have been given the gift of her and can't wait to meet her when she is ready to make her grand entrance into the world.

i think about where i was a year ago and where i sit today. my first miscarriage two years ago was indeed sad, but i didn't have the same reaction as i did losing the second. i believe it was because i saw the fetus in my second pregnancy develop and grow, saw her heartbeat, witnessed her move, something i was never able to connect with during my first pregnancy. and although i was very much attached to my first pregnancy ~ and feel that pregnancy confirmed how much i did, in fact, wish to be a mom ~ i was extremely bonded to the little soul that was my second pregnancy and my sadness came from the place of knowing that she wouldn't get the chance to be here with us and live, continue to grow, develop and know how much she was loved. but she will always be loved. they both will.

i sit here today as a changed person because of this experience a year ago. she gave me gifts all throughout this past year. gifts that have opened my heart, brought some amazing kindreds into my life, unblocked some blocked creativity i was having and allowed me to stumble upon a new, fulfilling career path as well.

i don't know yet, but perhaps it is because of what happened a year ago which will also make me a different parent than i would have been otherwise, because it there is one thing i will teach my daughter is how to always hold on to hope.

what about you?
are you choosing hope?

regardless of your situation,
whether it is fertility challenges,
loss of a loved one,
depression,
illness,
paralyzing fear,
career challenges,
the list goes on...
we all have our own paths to walk,
our own stories to tell.

if you are reading this and find you are on a dark path right now, as i was a year ago, i invite you to choose hope.
make it your mantra,
say it out loud every day,
even through the tears.

i invite you to truly understand that even in your darkest moments that one thing is for sure,
darkness is not the end of your story.
choosing hope opens you up to amazing possibilities.

choose hope.

Comments

[Stefania]

Thank you. I really needed that. I am so excited for your upcoming year and glad that you were able to continue to choose hope in this past year and see that through the tears.
I have been in a REALLY dark place lately without able to find a path out.
I need to choose hope.

[PixieDust]

I stand with you, Beautiful One and choose hope as well. I stand firm in it, and when I feel my grip loosening, lovelies like you and the rest of the bloggy community have stood by my side until I get my balance once again.

For your angel babies I say a prayer... for your magical bean I give smiles and hugs, and cannot wait until she is in your's and your husband's arms... for you I give my friendship and love...

(((HUGS))),
Love,
Me

[Linni]

For me HOPE is my survival! xx

[scarlett]

sweet stacie thank you for sharing your deepest fears and your highest hopes. you are wonderful and i am sending you all best wishes...i'm so happy for ya'll...

i have had some very dark moments myself this past year with my closest love, my career/work life and the struggle i feel between that and who i really am and want to be...but i am also chosing HOPE! I am re-building what was broken, turning it all around, 180 degrees, and KNOWING deep inside that like you said, even in the darkest, longest tunnel, the light really is there, you just have to keep walking toward it!

2008 is going to be a BEAUTIFUL year!!!!
xoxo

[daisies]

hope and dreams continue to be the friends that hold me up, that allow me to cry and sit with pain, that allow me to refill my heart with joy, to continue to be open to love ...

right there with you beautiful ... love you ... snuggle .. xox

[Shannon]

Thank you! Yesterday and today have been some of my darkest days. I needed to hear that.

I choose hope too!

[amanda]

i choose hope.
hope that when the time is right a sweet baby will find it's way into my arms too.

i love this post and how you let yourself feel and release.

i am so happy for your tiny baby girl to arrive.

love to you.
a

[mccabe]

everyday i say a prayer for you and your little one.

i am hearing you,
and honoring you.

my heart hugs yours,
mccabe x

[d.]

This post is exactly what I have come to love about you the most. After all of the years that we have "known" each other, it is in these past few years that I feel we have really begun to "know" each other.

You are such an inspiration to me in my life always. I am always inspired by your creativity, your warmth, b your sensitivity and your unwavering strength.

I am so very fortunate to have a handful of women in my life who help complete who I am as a person and who always inspire to me to be better, be stronger and love deeper.

Thank you my friend for being you. I am so very happy for you and Jimmy and your sweet little girl. I just know she is going to have the most unbelieveable gorgeous eyes and the sweetest soul. I cannot wait to meet her.

Always choose hope; without it we have nothing to strive for. Much love to you always.

[jessica]

I have a kind of mantra I have used for the past two years...shine up now, the darkness is over...it helps me to remember where I have been, what I learned and how I came out the other side a wiser soul.
It has just been in the past year that I have allowed myself to admit I am one of those sensitive people. I need to cry - when I am happy, sad or simply touched. I agree, it is okay and it is healthy and I am so much happier and lighter having realized this and accepted it.
Thanks for sharing and know that you are baby girl are in my thoughts a lot.

[Megan]

I feel I must print this and put it in my pocket over the next few weeks.

I do choose hope. One of the best compliments I ever received was "You are so happy and hopeful, how do you do it?"
But choosing it and believing in it are two very different things for me right now.

I've been on this road so long... Not just the baby, the sadness, loss, self-hate.

I have so much to be hopeful for, and even more to be grateful for.

Thank you for your encouraging words
xoxo

[Dominique]

Thanks for those amazing words, so perfectly timed with a new year approaching. We're all on the same path, thanks for lighting the way. Hugs and lots of love & strength to you !
xoxo

[Frida]

Oh amen.

[kristen]

i believe in hope, it makes the world go around. xo

[bella]

You are simply radiant.
It's been a year of release for me as well. It feels so good to feel all my emotions and let them have space to just be. IT has changed my life and I am more alive because of it.
There is authenticity that ripples out from your words. It is so beautiful.

[Marilyn]

I think crying is a healthy release, in general...so good for you for allowing yourself to have that. Beautiful post. I once had a friend who couldn't stay clean. I'd sit and talk with her and tell her how if she could just HOLD ON (in her sobriety)...just a LITTLE WHILE longer...that she'd see...she'd get to the other side of that painful, dark place...and it would be doubly sweet on the other side...because she'd have stepped through the pain. I don't know if she ever made it. I only realized reading this post that that must have been what made me hold on in my own journey...it must have been a glimmer of hope...I just didn't realize it at the time. I have no doubt that you've given someone that glimmer with this post.

[colorsonmymind]

oh baby this post was like getting the biggest juciest smooch from you along with a great soft hug.

It made me feel warm and tender and ok that I have been crying and that yes although I am in a bit of a dark place I can choose hope.

Thank you
Love you
XOXOXOXO

[pink sky]

i know this loss too. we never forget. just an interesting note...you might like to listen to a recent podcast by the manic mommies about a book called "to full term". the author had so many losses and decided to fight the medical community for better testing, greater empathy over grieving these losses, and higher standards for women to reduce pregnancy losses. she is a regular mom and sounds like a phenominal woman! my warm thoughts are with you and your family...even the ones cradled in the stars. xo

[boho girl]

choosing hope with you side by side.

thank you for sharing your story so that others can grasp onto the hope that is floating out there, waiting for them to hold onto it.

love you and am kissing your tears.

[Tania]

Thank you so much for your story today. I think choosing hope is the bravest thing anyone can do. It allows us to take that step - a single step is all it takes - towards a brighter way.

We all have our own reasons for hope, but we all share the same courage in choosing to make it part of our everyday.

[Sarah]

Thank you so much for your lovely post. As someone who has suffered the same loss (and like you, exactly one year ago), it was really uplifting to read your post (and just generally keep tabs on how you are doing with your pregnancy). Like all these other lovely ladies who have commented, I wish you they very best of luck and loads of positive energy in the New Year as you and your husband welcome your little girl.

I, too, choose hope that the new year will bring me my own little bundle of joy.

[ceanandjen]

Beautiful you, I actually read this not long after you posted it, but since I was in such a "state" I just could not wrap my ahead around the hope, and I felt like saying I could in anyway at that point would have not been authentic and would have somehow tainted the beauty that you wrote here....if that makes sense at all. But today, a few days later, my heart feels a bit lighter and I can think about that light and that hope...and oh goodness, thank you for writing this beautiful piece and just for being you. Love you.xoxoxo