keeping it in check

Dear Christmas ~

You can suck it.

Love,
Stacie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before people start calling me to see if I am okay, I am. My anger is not even aimed at Christmas, it's just the timing. I just need to rant in a sarcastic fashion for just a bit if you would all indulge me. You see, my life feels in complete chaos at the moment. The entire contents of my studio, including our hundreds of books, furniture, etc. all reside currently in our living room as we have our ceiling replaced. I feel like one of those people you see on talk shows where they have so much stuff in their home that they have carved a path from the door to wherever they need to go. It's claustrophobic. There is no room to breathe. I want to scream.

Now, the rains have come again and damaged the work they had just completed in the studio, and now we have a brand new leak in our bedroom that has ruined the beautiful fabric sails jimmy installed years ago when he first moved in that make me happy every day that I see them. I think I said last night no less than 40 times, "We can't live like this."

And then there is the icing on the cake that is Christmas.

I am not a fan of consumer holidays and Christmas is the granddaddy of them all. Most people already know my thoughts on traditional Christmas trees and although I adore the lights and smells and certain aspects of the holidays (like sharing time with family and giving gifts and sweetly spiced scents), I don't like the forced perceived happiness we are all supposed to feel, as if fighting crowds in a mall or paying outrageous shipping charges online is somehow adding to our well being.

I watched two women get in a physical fight in a Target parking lot the other day and when I went inside the store, music was blaring about tis the season to be jolly. I had to laugh.

I have been looking forward to this time of my life for a while. Not Christmas, but this week marks the last week of work for me due to the arrival of our baby and the physical aspects of part of my job. Starting January 1, I will strictly be working from home, in my pj's if I please, where I can schedule my work day any way I see fit and I will have from January until the baby arrives to essentially "get my act together" in so far as my creative work goes, and my plans are huge and detailed. Swirly posted an inspirational mantra regarding this very thing and it keeps me motivated to do one thing each day to get me closer to my goal. I was actually starting to feel somewhat organized about it all since I have been given this precious gift of time.

I haven't written about it yet, but Clover & Sage has taken a new direction, away from catering for now, which Jimmy and I couldn't be more excited about. Plans for an etsy store (unrelated to Clover & Sage) are underway and I have been exploring putting paint to canvas again, a very scary prospect for me, but ultimately it will all be a gift for our daughter.

This precious time is also to be used to organize and prepare for our little one and right now I am not seeing how any of it is going to happen living this way. This gift of time seems to have different ideas. I feel as if I can't organize anything, I have exactly no space to create currently, or bring baby stuff in and it seems in this never ending construction there is no realistic way I am bringing a newborn baby home in this environment. I know I still have 3 months before she arrives, but honestly there is no end in sight to this construction.

Once again, my visions of this Christmas were to have made a homemade tree out of bare branches and dried fruit as ornaments, to have my packages not only all purchased prior to Christmas, but actually SENT OUT ON TIME FOR ONCE, to display our fun Christmas cards we are receiving and still have time to work on my own creative projects.

Once again, that is not going to happen.

My Christmas cards to send have been sitting here untouched for a week while we try and oversee this chaos. I think my friends think I have fallen off the face of the earth because I haven't been emailing, calling or reading anyone's blogs.

I would love nothing more than to be writing a post about cinnamon scented evenings and chestnuts roasting over an open fire, but our place is currently scented with mildew from the damage and the only thing being roasted over an open fire is our landlord receiving angry calls from me at 4:30 am because the construction crew decided to come early that day.

So, instead of writing about marinating in the joys of the holiday season, I had to write honestly about where my head is currently at ~ it's not very merry around here. I am having a bit of a rough go of finding the beauty in the rain at this moment.

I suppose it's a good thing we don't decorate for the holidays normally, because where would we even put a tree? Next to my work table top that is currently leaning up against the television cabinet? Or perhaps perched atop the sixteen boxes of books crammed against on of the windows in our living room? Maybe it can go on top of the studio file cabinet which currently resides in our bedroom? The possibilities are endless.

Please, I don't need people right now telling me, this too shall pass, and it's all going to work out, and to be happy with what I have. I know it will, and I know the bigger picture is taking care of myself and this little one inside first, and I need to not beat myself up and be gentle on myself. I know I need to remain flexible, perhaps I am too hung up on things being perfect right now and this is my wake up call. I know that my beacon of shining light is feeling this baby grow each day, my amazing husband and our snuggly feline fur baby, but in the midst of all this other stuff happening, I start to question if I will be a good mom if I can't even give our little one a safe environment in which to grow. I give myself permission to be upset in this moment.

We leave for Austin in a few days until the new year. We are more than ready to get out of here for a while and have a change of scenery (our house in Austin is looking really good right now); however, it is also a time now filled with stress as we are leaving our place in turmoil with no idea what we will return to, knowing our cat will be under the bed the entire time, scared and alone, and us worrying about her, and Jimmy and I trying to pretend it's all merry, and cheery and bright when all we really want to do is grab our cat and hide under the covers for a bit.

My apologies to those of you who are having yourself a merry little Christmas, I didn't mean to bring you down with this post. I am sorry it's not full of inspiration, tenderness and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And though someone told me the other day I am handling it all with grace, the reality is I am not. I am on the verge, I find I am raising my voice to people, (something I rarely do, and "people" being our landlord) and I had to write about it and just get it out. I know I can't be the only one feeling this way.

So tell me, how does one handle chaos with grace?

Comments

[michele]

you don't handle it with grace...
you are 7 months pregnant and your world is in chaos. i would flip out, good thing you are leaving for a bit. but ya know, t his too will pass, it always does. life will be lived and your daughter will arrive and you will be the sweetest mommy with tons of love and i am sure you will create a beautiful, safe, organic environment in which to thrive in.

mommy land is deep in chaos, always churning and seriously a bit crazy! well, i have 2 little boys so mine is. things are never organized, i put away they take out!

get irate, you can...you are pregnant!
enjoy your holiday in austin.

[Kirsten Michelle]

well my friend, you read my post so you'll know i'm NOT in a position to offer up ANY advice on handling chaos with grace.
i can definitely relate to what you are going through. my maya rose was born on April 3, just a few months after the fire. i know what it feels like to be thrown into chaos when all you really want to do is nest in prepartion for your little one's arrival. i hope your time in austin will give you a bit of a break from what's been going on...and that they are able to wrap up their work on your beautiful apartment very, very soon!!!
sending you love and hugs,
k
xoxoxox

[ceanandjen]

If I knew the answer to that last question,I promise that I would share it with you...but I don't. You are not going to hear any of those things you don't want to hear from me, because for different reasons, I am right there with you. If it was not for Ayden, Christmas would come and go and I would be happy to let it do so. Everything is behind here...there are no Christmas cards going out...everything is a mess...I am a mess....Let's just revel in our mess, because at this point, what else is there to do? *wink* I hope that getting this all out actually did relieve your insides a little bit.

And goodness, my beautiful friend, you do not always need to be inspirational...because life is not always inspirational. Life is also the crap that you are enduring right now, and if you can't come here and just let it all out, then????

I would be on the verge too; it is all too much right now. I am so glad that you are leaving it all to go to Austin and I so hope that your time there is full of peace and calm...not merry false joy...just peace and calm and love. I think that is all you are wishing for right now. I wish that I could package it up and send it in the mail straight to your door.

Instead, I send you virtual hugs and moutains of love and wishes for a safe trip and a beautiful time away. Love you.xoxoxo

[amanda]

i would be having a heart attack too.

maybe you can find a cat sitter to help while you guys are gone...to check on her and send reports?

i hope austin is full of calm and love.

[chocolate covered musings]

can't say i'm a big fan of xmas myself. i really feel for you though. personally, i handle chaos with grace by reveling in it for a while. not saying it will work for you, but hoping that you find your own way through it.

sending you my thoughts and blessings in the hope they will bring you some cheer. i wish for you a moment of peace and a wonderful relaxing time away.

xo
leonie

[schmoops]

amanda ~

we do have someone coming in while we are gone to keep an eye on things and check on our fur baby. it gives us a little comfort but we still worry because animals are dependent on us. she has no idea what all the noise is and i think she is comforted when we are here with her... xoxo

thanks everyone for your kindness.

[kristen]

i'm going to comment before i read what anyone else has to say. thank you for your honesty because while things do get better and life does go on and there is much to be thankful for and feel blessed, it's also perfectly reasonable to be put out and put upon when your home is dismantled, all things considered.

it totally sucks and hurray that you'll be heading to austin soon - a reprieve is the exact present you need!

so thank you miss stacie for writing this. safe travels to TX and happy holidays!! xoxo

[AndreaD]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. In fact I am sure I would be a raging bitch if I were in your shoes. :) You are awesome!

[sueberry]

Well, I am not the proper person to ask about handling chaos with grace, that's for sure! I have flipped out royally for lesser chaos. I have also lived through my fair share of leaking walls, windows & roofs and I can totally relate & share your pain.....of course, being pregnant all the while this BS is going on, Ummmmm..........I say be as angry as you like, dammit! I know you & I know you seldom raise your voice, but you are entitled too regardless of the "season". SCREAM if you must, but don't question your future abilities as a mommy because we all know you will be a damn good one....that seldom raises her voice! :) Love you LOTS!! Have a FAB trip, TRY not to worry about the chaos or the kitty (but it's hard not to). XOXO

[maddie]

OHHHHHHHHH! Have a wonderful trip and
I can't wait to visit your etsy shop when
it is unveiled:)

[kb]

There's a quotation I hold onto - though I usually don't think of it until things around me are in total chaos and I'm frustrated and fearful and worried (like today, actually, so I'm grateful for your post because the quotation I'm about to share is for me as much as you)

"It turned out this man worked for the Dali Lama. And he said - gently - that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible" - Anne Lamott

I don't know what it all means but it gives me comfort on days like today.

And the reason I love Christmas (and you know me - you know I'm not "religious") I love it because it's about a miracle. It's about something amazing happening against all odds, in the midst of horrible, trying circumstances. A miracle. And I'm glad that once a year Christmas comes around to remind me that I believe in miracles.

I'm afraid this is all too chipper and "keep your chin up" - sounding. I don't mean it that way. I mean it from the deepest, truest part of me, to the deepest, truest, most miraculous part of you - the part that has faith in what you're doing - the part that chooses hope and believes that things are unfolding the way they're supposed to. Sometimes things suck. Sometimes everything sucks at once. And I'm sorry about that. Just don't let the dust keep you from seeing the miracles that are there too.

[Brandon]

With chaos, nerves get frayed, and tempers are lost. Just be prepared to apologize when you snap, and don't get more stressed by worrying that your natural reaction to a stressful situation might not be appropriate.

My grandmother was fond of saying, "This, too, shall pass." I'm sure she mainly referred to whatever was the pain in the ass, but I suspect she might also have meant that our reaction to it will pass, too.

[krista]

hi schmoopy!
glad you are coming to austin--the weather is quite nice down here right now (no rain in sight). if you want to get together with a dedicated schmoopy reader who used to live in the bay area, please be in touch! we can talk about capitola(my favorite!)
sending you peace from south austin,
krista

[daisies]

and all i saw was ~ etsy store : ) hurrah!

handling chaos with grace ~ um ... my hubby would laugh if i even tried to answer that one ... last year at this time with a house full of people descending on us, we came home to a busted hot water tank and a flooded basement ... sigh, the freak out by moi, not pretty my friend ...

this year, we decided to renovate our basement before being descended upon by a houseful. um. mostly done but oh my did i have moments that were oh so not pretty my friend ...

:)

i'm pretty sure that next to my feet stamping, verbal ranting and utter crying breakdowns with arms swinging the whole while that you are the picture of grace :) tee hee ... course you do dance around and clap and cheer like me so maybe we deal with chaos the same way ;-)

enjoy your trip honey, safe travels and know that i am sending you tons of love and big smooches!!

[PixieDust]

Dearest Schmoopy,

Allow me to elaborate an handling chaos with grace -

I have no f&*%$^# clue.

;-)

Have a safe trip, hug your girl for me, and I can't wait to hear more about your etsy store!

:-D

(((HUGS)))!

[Melissa]

Who says you have to handle chaos with grace? Sometimes I clumsily stomping through it which can be just as effective in the end...and it's more fun.

Treat yourelf kindly. You deserve it.

[Tina]

Stacie, I have no idea how to handle chaos with grace. I'm one to yell and/or cry to get my frustrations out and I stress.

I like Brandon's grandma's saying of "This too shall pass". I know it's definitely hard to think of that in the midst of all the chaos. I need to put that saying on my fridge.

And the fact that you are wanting your precious bundle of joy to be in a safe environment shows that you are going to be a great mom.

When chaos lurks in our house when everything is going wrong with appliances, electronics, plumbing, etc, there gets to be a point in mine and Chip's life that we just end up laughing about it. It's like, "Crap, what else can go wrong", and it usually does.

Have a wonderful time in Austin. I think it's a perfect time for you to go there. To get away from it all. To regenerate. To relax. To renew.

[Athena714]

I hear ya, girl. Rant away!

[Megan]

Handle Chaos with grace??? You tell Christmas it can suck it! tee hee

Then you get on the internet, blog to your friends about how you feel, and listen to us tell you that...

YOU ROCK!

(((((hugs)))))

kitty will be okay, they always are.

[boho girl]

ohmygosh...i am so glad you are getting the heck out of there babes. i am so, so sorry this is happening right now. i think it will make getting on that airplane and breathing the Austin air that much sweeter. Texas has a special yummy smell that i haven't found anywhere else. i miss it. can you take some pictures for me?

good for you for "letting it out" here. so healthy!! i had this image of you playing that song and dancing around your house all angry like, swinging your gorgeous mane around and punching the air. hee hee.

you do know that next year at this time, you and Jimmy will laugh about all this crazy shit, right? stupid rain and construction!!! Grrrrrr-ness.

you be as Grinch-y as you need my love and we'll love you that much harder.

can't wait 'til the 5th.

call me on my cellie while i'm in the city and let me know you're okay in Austin. i'm fixin' to leave on a plane soon myself. hee hee.

my favorite Texas phrase is "i might could do that." LOVE it. oh how i miss their BBQ. have some for me, k???

I LOVE YOU, Jimmy and lil' shmoops...and kitty too.

xoxox

[boho girl]

ps. my most recent post must have totally pissed you off. i'm all..."I LOVE THE RAIN...WEEEEE!"

and you're like..."whateva'". ; )

[Christine]

Sometimes, when your roof falls apart and everything is a mess, you just need to wallow and snarl. Angrily. This seems like a completely normal reaction.
Even though I mostly love this time of year, I can completely see how awful it is if you are feeling at odds with the whole "holiday cheer" "most wonderful time of the year" thing. Especially since it so oftens comes off as forced and/or false. And has been co-opted by the Mall. Yuck.
As for handling chaos with grace, well... as the others have more or less said that sounds like rather a lot of pressure! Maybe grace just means surviving in an imperfect, angry, messy, human way.
I won't wish you a merry Christmas (lol) but I will wish you a rest-full break from the chaos and a peacefull holiday.

[tj]

Maybe when the new ceilings go up, they won't have to put the popcorn on and you can have lovely ceilings? A potential silver lining?

[Scarlett]

pixie dust is crackin me up cuz that is exactly what i was gonna say!!!!

i am sssssoooo with you on this!!!
my life seems pretty chaotic now too, so i am really not doing a darn thing about xmas this year either. nothing, nada, zip. i am right with you on the consumerism overload of the holiday and i am not one to love clutter and too much unnecessary crap and spending far more than one can afford! i hear ya girl, loud and clear...i just hope your construction gets finished ASAP! and goddess help any man (or woman) that pisses off a pregnant woman in regards to her nest! i send my best wishes for a SPEEDY sorting out of your home!!!

[mccabe]

handling chaos with grace?
you are asking the wrong person.

however, i do believe you are handling it
the very best you can...
and although i know it may not seem like enough,
it is.
i am glad you have this space to let it out,
and a wonderful support system to listen.

christmas is stressful without the leaky ceiling.
i hear you
and am sending a cool calm your way.

with great love
mccabe x

ps i am worried about my cat too! 10 days without us. how can i relax?