navigating

where I am currently not

I will want to elaborate on this post someday soon, but it will have to wait because I am trying to figure out where I am at currently.

I am someone who loves her life dearly, but is struggling most days while trying to balance being a full-time mother/wife/business owner.
I am someone who starts her workday at 9:00 pm most nights after having spent the day with a toddler.
I am someone who sometimes feels envious of those who have endless hours of studio time, housekeepers, personal assistants and organized files.
I am someone who is embracing with open arms all the new business and opportunities that I am receiving (thank you for listening, universe!) but am realizing that I am one person and could use some help sometimes.
I am someone who hasn't showered in two days.
I am someone who stayed in her pajamas all day today.
I am someone who desperately needs a pedicure.
I am someone who misses reading books that are not about hungry caterpillars or great green rooms with red balloons.
I am someone who has many half-finished posts in her drafts file.
I am someone who could really benefit from a yoga class at the moment.
I am someone who is, at times, so tired when she puts her daughter to bed at night that I fall asleep alongside her only to find that when I open my eyes, the sun has risen and I am still wearing my jeans from the day before.
I am someone who is constantly reminding herself that this time will pass before I know it and just riding the wave for now.

Please tell me I am not the only one..

Comments

[Nikole]

My friend, you are not alone. Much love to you.

[brittany]

shmoops, babe. you are not the only one. promise. i want to hug you and give you the break you need. being a mommy is only for superhero types. and you are one. (even if some days it doesn't feel that way.)

xxx

[~Kristina]

you are NOT alone! you've described much of this house only I work out of the house because I haven't been able to develop a solid business plan and I have an 8monthold and 5yearold.
Strenth to you! Many days my mantra is Enjoy this now because all too soon it will be over and I'll miss it.

[renee]

oh, stacey, oh my GOD, you are not the only one. i did not start to feel human/start to get little bits of myself back until ruby was 16 months old. and now, 7 months later, i am still struggling, still could have written many of the items on your list. i try to explain this to friends without kids: no matter how much you want a child, no matter how "ready" you are, no matter how selfless you are, no matter WHAT, there is no way to prepare for living a life that -- BOOM -- is not your own anymore. even when your time is "free," it takes so long to settle into it, to reclaim it, that it really doesn't feel like your own until it is over. and no matter how glorious my days with ruby are, at the end of the day (literally, i still struggle with this. almost every single day.
to wit:
i am a writer who hasn't written anything substantial in over 2 years.
i am a runner who hasn't run consistently in over 3 years.
i am a wine lover who can't afford more than one glass lest i am not on top of my game.
i am a wife who forgets that i have drawers full of hot clothes.
i am someone who desperately loves and needs time alone and can not negotiate enough to feed my art or my relationship with myself right now.
i am a spa junkie who -- you get the idea.

of course, we wouldn't trade the showers or the pedicures for the blessings of the babies. (we always feel compelled to issue the disclaimer, right?) but that does not change the fact that parts of us feel unfed -- and that sometimes it feels like we shouldn't have to trade so much. yeah, it will get better, a little bit at a time. yeah, we will find ways to incorporate this new, huge part of ourselves into a more balanced life. yeah, yeah, yeah. it still is exhausting and complicated and often sad in the meantime.
i know.
cheers, momma. if i get brave and have a second glass of cab tonight, i'll be toasting you.

[Puanani]

You, my darling, are not the only one. Blessings on you during this brief yet VERY trying time. Be well.

[nicole]

i am so right there with you, stacy! i am baffled by other moms and how they juggle it all. i am going through all of these same emotions right now and wondering how to balance it all for myself and my family. i have a unique opportunity to "go out on my own" in my career, but i just don't know how i can do it with a little one at home. by the time he's in bed--i'm ready for bed (or a glass of wine!). i recently signed up for a writing class where we had one assignment for 6 weeks. I was only able to complete 3 of them!! It's so unlike me to leave things unfinished, but like you said, "I am only one person." And I'm realizing that something's gotta give. If you ever find any answers please share! Hehe. I'll let you know if I come up with something groundbreaking as well! :)

[bella]

When I was a new mom to a little babe, showering fell to the bottom of the list - dustbunnies were the norm - my dark roots could no longer be called roots cuz they were grown out about 4 inches.
I know exactly how you feel. I don't know a mom who can juggle everything, it's simply: impossible.
BUT: In a very short time, I promise that you will find your groove. You will be able to juggle things with ease. This time that you devote to your little one is precious and the wave sure comes to pass. In the future when your time does ease up and you're working on your business while you're daughter is at school... you'll have a bubble of memories of being home with her to look back on. The funny part is that we're so enamored with our kiddos that we forget how it used to be... :)
I hope that I was able to give you a slice of light on a day when you need it.

[sueberry]

I think everyone is there or has been there at some point in life (or will be there someday)....you are SO not alone! You either have to wiggle through it as best you can or just figure out a way to get really mega organized, make a schedule & stick to it as if you had some "regular job" working for the man, where you would be expected to clock in & out & get a particular amount of stuff done in a given day or time period. WAY easier said than done with a wee-one tucked away on your hip, I'm sure! *wink* Children don't necessarily fit into tight schedules or day-planners. They need lots of love and attention & you are more than willing to oblige because you are her loving momma. :) Ultimately, I don't have much in the way of good advice or a magic trick to make it all simpler or better, but I support you in all that you do & I am sure that in time, things will mellow out a bit.....if not, I guess you just have to get used to sleeping in denim whenever you get the rare moments to sleep at all. :)
LOVE YOU LOTS & just know that you are NOT alone!!! XOXO

[Athena714]

I love renee's response. I have my own list too. You are most definitely not alone, girl. Hugs to you.

[stacy]

thank you all so SO much. wow, i needed to hear this.

Nikole, thank you.

Brittany, hugs right back to you, superhero.

Kristina, i am definitely living by your motto, she is growing so fast and i am already trying to slow down time so i know this time will pass and i will miss it, but i also really want a pedicure... ; )

Renee, thank you for sharing this part of you, yes we do feel the need to put that disclaimer up there a lot, for many reasons.

Puanani, thank you sweets.

Nicole, i am sometimes baffled by other moms too, but i so think that we all feel this way, it's just hard to bring it to the forefront at times for fear of judgement.

Bella, thank you for the slice of light. ; )

Sue, it is a myth that children are on schedules... i don't buy it for a minute. ; )

Miranda, smooches.

[ceanandjen]

No, you are absolutely not alone. While my symptoms are different in that I have a full time day job and instead of falling over asleep, often times I can't get to sleep even though I am exhausted...I get it...very much. We are all just doing the best we can every.single.day. Trying to take care of our lives and our loved ones in the best way we know how and trying to create a life that makes us happy and fills us. It's never perfect and good grief there are simply not enough hours in the day to juggle it all...or do it all exactly how we wish we could.

But, we are doing it...you are doing it...and there is big love in that home of yours. At the end of the day, that is what really matters. That is what I have to remind myself...constantly.

xoxo

[amanda]

You are SO not alone. I walk that same line - insanely grateful for my life but totally and completely exhausted by it as well. Completely with you - but it WILL pass - and we will long for these days, to be sure...

[Georgia]

Apparently you and I share the same life :)

xoxo

[Swirly]

We all have those things we struggle with, no matter how things look from the outside. You are not alone. xoxo

[jen gray]

beautiful you,
hell no you arent the only one!
isnt it so helpful when we can be honest about stuff like this?
it snuffs the charge around it, and allows compassion to move on in....
im no momma, but i can relate to so many things that you wrote about. so many.. we are all doing the best we can with what we've got :) Your Bella knows she is loved and safe and adored. I think that officially declares that you are doing a mighty fine job in spite of all these other things...

you are so loved and cherished, just know that.
xo
jen gray

[Tina]

As you can see you are SOOOO not alone in this.

When both of mine were little tots, I remember so much being so envious of all of you having that time to do things.

I remember the pajama days. I remember the "really? that's all I did today?" days (or someone saying that to me...)

There is so much on my list that I want to do too, even now, that I just don't get done.

And it is SO okay to love your life and those in it, but still want that YOU time, you know?

[Chloe]

Dear Stacy
This post takes me back to when my nearly 10 year old was little...and you know, I still don't get the balance right (no one is perfect) but we muddle through and it gets a little easier, be gentle with yourself because it really is the most precious time :) xx

[Amy]

You are not alone Stacy. I feel the same way you do. I'm up at 4:50, at work by 6:30, get home at 3 and spend all my time with Stella. Once she goes to bed it's time to take care of all the chores but by that time I'm super tired. But..like you said, this time will pass and all to quickly. So, hang in there and remember you are not alone. XOXOX!

[Kirsten Michelle]

Clearly, sweet mama...you are not alone!!!
And what a relief to know, that I'm not either!!!
Sending you love and hugs to meet you where you're at.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[d.]

Wow. I don't know how to say this without it sounding just plain mean and evil, but since I've known you since we were just out of diapers ourselves, okay not quite that long, but long enough anyway to say, "Thank God you feel that way," and it won't sound too horrible.

You see, for over a year now I've been wondering how you do it all since all I seem to get done is Daniel and housekeeping. My husband doesn't even know what I look like without clothes on anymore. I never quite understood how you were able to be this amazing entrepeneur AND a wife and mother when in two years all I can successfully claim is that I am indeed a full-time mother and housekeeper and sadly a very part time wife. Aside from showering regularly and wasting my time reading gossip blogs and attending to my FaceBook account from time to time, I have no real time to myself. Daniel doesn't go to sleep until 10:30 pm. Yes, that's right you read it right, call CPSA now. This kid needs a 3 hour stint at the park in the morning and then literally begs for another park visit in the evening and CRIES when we get home at 8:30 because he STILL wants to go out.

So alone...NO. You are most certainly not alone. You've actually managed, quite successfully I think, to have something of your own life in addition to being a full- time mother to Bella. I'm simultaneously very envious and very impressed that you are actually following your dream(s). You've much to be proud of my dear; you've accomplished quite a bit so don't ever forget that. So while I may smell better than you do right now, I'm still just "dreaming" about having my own business and yours is already up and running. It's all about pluses and minuses really, but in the end once you've done the math it all works out. Our moms got through it and so will we. In the meantime, pat yourself on the back for a job well done on all fronts!

Lots of love & a BIG hug,
d.

P.S. Ask j! for a pedicure and a visit from a housekeeper for Mother's Day! :)

[pink sky]

it's the ebb and flow of motherhood, i know exactly how you feel even with a 5 year old (only the bedtime stories are longer and the naps are long gone :). but with another on the way i will soon be right in your shoes again soon. (((hugs))) you are doing beautifully my dear.

[Jacki]

You are not alone!!! Hang in there (and I agree, ask for that pedicure for Mother's Day).

[boho girl]

you will never be alone.

so many sisters out there that love you and are walking this path with you (in our pj's).

you are one of my heroes.

i love you.

ps. try pouring a glass of water on your kitty in the middle of the night. GREAT therapy.

[stacy]

thank you everyone, truly.

jen ~ i have those nights too where i am so exhausted that i can't fall asleep, i hear you.

amanda ~ i already miss her newborn baby days, it goes so fast doesn't it?

georgia ~ ; )

swirls ~ love you girl.

jen gray ~ you are more momma than you will ever know... xo

tina ~ thanks, i know.

chloe ~ thank you. so in ten years i will still be sleeping in my jeans? hee hee.

amy ~ you are a true superhero. wow. you inspire me.

kirsten ~ none of us are alone.

di ~ if i ever gave you the impression that i had it all together i truly apologize. my main motivation was that i didn't want to work outside of the home but i didn't have a choice, i had to work. i know we all struggle and your dreams of starting a business will come true when you are ready, i know this.

pink sky ~ thank you my dear. ebb and flow indeed.

jacki ~ if i do get a pedicure, i am posting a photo of my toes!

[stacy]

deni ~ i just saw this, you posted right when i did. hmmmm....

i have my glass of water ready.... love you.

[windylindy]

My sweet baby... If there was a one thing I could do to make your life better I would be that person. Your LIFE IS WHOLE. I love you my darling daughter

[Carol]

Nope, you're definitely not alone. I lost count of the times that I would fall asleep at the side of my son when I took him to bed. And I struggle at times combining parenthood, employment and my photography passion.

[Brandon]

Okay, I was going to tell you buck up, little soldier, but clearly half of the online world beat me to the punch. It's nice to be loved, huh?

[Marianne]

darling stacy - i love your comment to jen
i'm carrying that with me to bed
you are a wise and beautiful one
even when you wake up in your crumpled jeans the morning after.
xxx

[kae]

ooh ooh ME! I am so many of those things - plus 8 1/2 months pregnant and the toddler just doesn't slow down!

i am so happy because i have just what i have always wanted - but that certainly doesn't make being it any easier!

[kathleen]

i want to forward this list to all of my friends, who are new mamas, so they know they are not alone, too!

i could have written this list. it mirrors my life exactly...'cept that i have a son, not a daughter.

the pedicure part, shower part, and starting work at 9p.m. made me nod knowingly.
all of my cute summer shoes are going to have to stay in the closet, i fear. i rely on my croc maryjanes to cover the neglected tootsies that once were routinely primped pre-baby.

i was up until 3am editing a photo job on monday night. i am still recovering!

thank you for this post, sweet mama!

[maegan]

Amen, sister! I hear ya!

[Michelle]

I just found you and love your blog! (And your wisdom is much needed for me right now). I seriously feel like I could have written this list..but it probably wouldn't have been as eloquent. :) I have a one year old son (born March 26!) and I am in the thick of it. Balance has been so elusive, and I find that to stay sane I need to look at my week being balanced, rather than my day (most days feel like all or nothing). This week I went 3 days without taking a shower and just this evening fell sound asleep on the sofa at 5:30 pm after putting my child to bed (he refused to nap today). He is currently screaming his head off and being attended to by his Daddy. So in essence, while the days can be lonely with just a toddler as a companion, you my friend, are MOST DEFINITELY not alone. We are all here with you in spirit. So keep on keeping on!

[Melissa Muirhead]

You are not alone. I am on the other side of the world (in little old New Zealand) and have the same feelings of both bliss (from having two amazing toddlers), my art, an exciting new direction with my business, balanced with all those demands and the fact there is only 24 hours in the day. I sometimes feel such an urge to ensure I am productive every minute as there is so much I wish to achieve, that I sometimes wonder whether I have lost the ability to blob and just be. Maybe tomorrow......

[Katy M]

Thank you! And I thought it was just me!

[me-nikk]

I don't get to reading blogs much these days, but stumbled back just to check up on you.

I just wanted to let you know that I hold great love for you in my lil' heart and am supporting you on the sidelines.

xoxoxo

me-nikk

[Kelly]

This post is a few days old by now but I just found you and I know you know it already, but you are not alone!

Being a mom is so hard by itself. Add in everything else and a lot of days it feels almost impossible. You are doing it though. We all are.

[Emma]

Ohhh, my friend, you are SO not alone. Funny--when we met the other day, I thought, "Wow, she is so lovely and so focused on all the right things. Why can't I be more like that?" You've joined the group of women who inspire me to be better.
(Also, please note: I haven't showered in two days. I relate SO MUCH to this post. Thank you for writing it.)

[jenica]

i know i'm soooo late on this response. but (((bighugs))) anyway. you're not alone. as deni said we're all walking this path with you in our pj's during the day... and jeans in the middle of the night. i just have hope that someday my life will be in LESS diseray.

love you.