illuminated moments

vintage ornament on our christmas tree

the past four days have been rich with subtle bigness. moments that might seem insignificant or ordinary to a stranger have for me been embraced in their shininess - i might go so far as to say life altering in some ways.

jimmy works long hours at work during the week, oftentimes being away for close to twelve hours each day. as much as i appreciate and feel blessed that i am able to be home with my girls, because of his work, it can be hard at times to be their sole caretaker for that many hours each day. there are times where i have to keep it in check as i can harbor feelings of resentment as to the little things that sometimes aren't so little when it comes to issues like work schedules, mine and his - working from home vs. working in an office. all things that deserve their own post. and as much as i love him, and us, there are those times when i need to remind myself that we are both doing the best we can, and challenging as it may be at times that this period in particular of our children's lives will pass all too quickly.

over the holiday the four of us shared four bliss-filled days together savoring sacred and delicious moments of much-needed family time. there was peppermint bark and mugs of hot chocolate. cinnamon streusel scented candles and fuzzy socks. pumpkin pancakes and storytime. a trip to chinatown and a lazy black friday morning. time spent with a new friend and many bottles of wine drank with those who are like family. there were celebrations with friends visitng from across the pond and those who traveled from the bay area. there was raw cranberry chutney and witnessing isabella demolish and devour her first piece of pumpkin pie. apple wine sorbet and ginger bread pudding. there were flower fairies and fascinators. twirling and singing, and loving energy put back into our neglected living space. technology was turned off and movies were turned on. secrets were spilled, discussions were had and the world spinned madly on. a batch of truly awful brownies were made, and promptly tosssed. we even put up our christmas tree last night which isabella was so excited to help decorate. i don't think i've ever had a christmas tree up before december but isabella is really starting to understand the hoopla surrounding holidays and the sparkle in her excitment is contagious and joyful to witness.

as i watched her take each ornament and place each one along the bottom branches only, excitedly running back to me after each one asking Mommy can I do another one?! i recognized a long-held dream of mine coming true. i also recognized how far i have come and how many thresholds i have crossed over since the stirrings of that dream first came into view.

having gone through a few emotional holiday seasons in the past, i now find that the magic of this season is being illuminated for me once again. i am feeling more than healed.

jimmy is back at work today but for four beautiful days i let the sweetness of this time fully wash over me like warm saltwater allowing all my worries, fears and questions to retreat and fade with the tide.

Comments

[lisa]

aw. so lovely.

[liz lamoreux]

beautiful wisdom here. thank you for sharing yourself...

[windylindy]

I still have that little pink paper angel you drew. I think you were amost 3 years old. You hated when I put it on the front of the tree years later. However it meant the world to me. Also the fact we had no money and cranberries and popcorn on thread were our first ornaments.

SEE?? SEE?? I am so glad you found your Christmas again.

Mom

[julie]

ah that's beautiful! I so know where you are with the issue with husband working long hours - we have the same scenario in our house and while my logical brain knows it is necessary so that I can be home for the children (and on days like today where they are both poorly, and I am able to drop everything and be there for them, not be scrambling to arrange cover/care and juggle work) I am truly grateful. But there are other times when I am on my own, they are being, well, children and I long to get away, to have an office to hide in, other commitments that*need* to be attended to so that I have a valid reason not to referee the millionth argument over a toy, or wipe the snotty nose. But, in some ways, to then be able to have that special time at holidays makes it all the sweeter, and I realise how blessed we are.

Your description of decorating the tree sounds just magical, and has made me look forward to the day that we do ours even more. Loved your mum's comment to - we have home-made decorations made by me as a child, which I too, was mortified to have on the tree as a teenager, but which I love having now and which my children find fascinating. I'm sure we will do the same with our children and their creations (and isn't that something to be gratefuul for!)

take care,

[Eileen]

I am ever so happy for you - having soul wished fulfilled is such a gift of life. xoxo

[pixie]

Your mom's post made me cry. Thinking of you at Isabella's age just pulled the string on the waterworks. YOU WERE THREE! Gorgeous creature. I have to read your emotional holiday post. I'm betting it will make me cry, too. I love you, sweet sister.

[Monica]

hi there. i enjoyed reading your thoughts.

we dropped out of the ratrace to have more family time. but even now there are days/weeks where he works long hours. overall though we have a ton of time together... if we're willing to accept less cash flow, which we are.
those long hours make the rest of our time possible, yet i find myself wanting him home. it's hard not to want it all :)

[melissa]

so very lovely!

[Diane]

love subtle bigness.

[Stacy]

Julie and Pixie. I completely understand my mom in a way now that I was never able to as a teenager hating that she put that up each year. I used to hide that paper angel and she always found it and put it front and center on the tree, without fail, every year.

I so get it now. Absolutely. And I can't wait to make homemade ornaments with Isabella and Mia.