Bella Wish

Isabella's first photo shoot

This morning Isabella asked me if she could borrow my iPhone. She said she wanted to set up all her stuffed animal friends and take photos of them. My heart melted as she asked me this. I know she sees me take many photos throughout each day and one of our favorite things to do is look at all our daily pictures together while snuggling on the couch and talking about what we did.

So when she asked if she could take the wheel I couldn't hand her my iPhone fast enough. I was so happy that she wanted to document parts of her day and those that were special to her in this way. While giving my phone to her, Mia needed my attention (read: melting down). I asked Isabella if she was okay without me for a bit. She said she was and I took Mia in the other room to give her some space.

After lunch Isabella asked if I would take a photo of her sitting with her turtle friend. It was then that I noticed the pictures from her photo shoot. They gave me pause. In her images I could feel what she was seeing. I could practically hear her three-year old thought process as she set up her shots. I think she has a beautiful eye for composition and I wonder if it is a gift she would like to continue exploring for herself.

I helped her choose some fun filters and asked if she would be okay if I shared her first photos here with you. She said yes. I also decided to give her my old Canon Digital Elph so she can take all the photos her sweet heart desires. I look forward to many mother and daughter photo walks together. 

mother love

Terri and Jess

I have so much love for all the mama's in the world, in whatever form the word mama takes. The ones with children and the ones with puppies. The ones waiting for their babies and the ones birthing their passions. The ones who grieve and the ones filled with hope.  The aunts, the honorary aunties, the sisters and the sister wives.

While I am beyond grateful to my sweet Isabella and Mia for making me their mama, (I fear I will never have the words to describe what it means for me to to be their mama), and for my own mama for giving me life,  I also recall this post I wrote two years ago and it reminds me to remember what this day is truly about.

I've recently been invited to circle with some truly magnificent, wildy creative, funny and beautiful women and mama's - seven of which I had the pleasure of celebrating a weekend with in a somewhat ceremonious ritual of transition and fertility for Beltane*. These women are balms for my soul. They teach by standing in their truth, love openly and fiercely, quite frankly blow my mind with their wit, wisdom and brilliance and come when they are called. I want to wear them on me like the sweetest smelling essential oils that they remind me of.

Jess & Kodiak

One of these sister mama friends just helped me fill a recent Bella Wish wholesale order of seventy-five necklaces by opening her home and her studio to us so I could work without distraction. In the time spent with her, one of us working or cooking while the other played with our children, I truly understood the collective powers of mothers working together and what many of us miss by not having these practices in place. Truly, I am still amazed at how I was able to create forty necklaces, drink two cocktails, jump on a trampoline, relax with coffee after feeding four children in the morning, stand in truth with another mama and friend, and still feel relaxed and in no way stressed with happy children intact, all in just under 24 hours. Sign me up for communal living please!

Pixie wearing her Bella Wish talisman

Having said this, I also continue to hold a sweet place of love for one woman who births so much passion into the world with her work and is now doing all she can to help another mama. She mothers in ways I simply cannot. Please take a moment if you can to read about her To Mama With Love fundraiser here, I believe it will move you as it moved me.

What I rediscover over and over again is whatever it is that we are mothering in our lives can and should be celebrated today, and everyday, and that when we birth something in our lives, whether that be our children, our dream or a published novel, we also rebirth ourselves.

Jenica, Julie and Terri

Celebrating all of us mama's - past, present and future today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* I was having this fantasy of creating time to write an entire post about Beltane, but really, who am I kidding? I still haven't written one sentence about Mia's first birthday - which took place over a month ago.

Life offline is happening much too quickly these days.

I miss it here sometimes.

 

medicine

iPhone

One of my greatest pleasures comes from simply observing my girls. Seeing the world through their eyes is a beautiful reminder for me to just slow down, discover magic and quietly breathe in the beauty that is all around us, wherever we are.

Yesterday morning I was in the kitchen making the girls breakfast and watching Isabella. She was near the table and gathering some of her very favorite toy playmates around her in a semi-circle. Once the tribe were settled she individually asked each and every one of them, "Tell me something that made you laugh today" Then she would sit silently simply listening to what they were sharing with her.

Clearly I was too far away to hear their responses, yet I fully believe she heard each one and carried all of their stories of joy with her in that moment.

Tell me something that made you laugh today.

some scenes from the happiest place on earth...

 

 

wide open spaces

can you see the first photo above? the one where mia is crawling right off the square of the camera frame? this has been my view for the past month- chasing after a curious baby as she is off to explore the world and all there is to discover around her. i often laugh as i find myself, somewhat vainly at times, searching for the balance of filling her need to roam freely with my need for keeping her safe and in my line of sight.

this part of babyhood is new to me. isabella had only a vague interest in crawling which lasted about a week and even then she didn't travel too far away, preferring to stay close to me. Mia, as most second babies i imagine, is having quite a different life experience so far and started long distance speed crawling about a month ago - which coincidently (or not at all) is the last time i posted here.

she is simply bursting at the seams to run freely alongside her sister through wide open spaces.

this both fills me with incredible warmth and challenges my old bones

in this past month i find myself exhausted and blessed

expanding and retreating

releasing and connecting

listening and learning

rediscovering roots and stepping far outside my comfort zone

falling down and standing back up

climbing a ladder of truth and acceptance

honoring mother earth and respecting her power

paying close attention to all the beauty that is right in front of me

wanting to share and spill and write.... but also feeling limited in my time while navigating the demanding needs of two tiny humans, finally accepting that I am finding the most peace by simply stepping back, deeply listening, being quiet and soaking in all that is happening in the now.

as i strive to find a bridge between this wide open space of sharing and silence i wonder where you are.

i have no idea if anyone even visits here anymore, but if you do please share with me something good in your world today.

********

Reading about all of your lovely momentsin the comments fills me with gratitude. Thank you so much for being here and sharing these with me. xo

funny girl

 
{click photo for larger image}

Sometimes on the weekends when we are all home together and I am working, Jimmy will often disappear with my camera.

When this happens it's always a fun surprise for me to later see the photoshoot he had with our girls while I was elsewhere happily pounding away on metal.

This morning as I was downloading everything off of my camera the above photo appeared.

While obviously not a great photo, everything about it just makes me happy... especially the expression on her face. Also picturing Jimmy holding her in one arm while trying to hold the camera in the other and having this be the result makes me giggle.

I've looked at this one photo so much today, laughing out loud each time, that I thought I would share it here.

Just in case you needed a laugh too.

it's okay to say it...

Mama + Miamore

I hadn't intended on being so quiet here in this space ten days into the new year. I'm finding that as Mia exits her infancy beginnings and Isabella enters some big emotional terrain, my role as parent is fresh with new challenges and it doesn't leave much space for anything else at the end of each day. As a family we are all constantly growing and learning together. I am trying to remember to just take deep breaths each day and laugh as much as possible.

After a teary episode last week, you know the one where the teeniest tiniest thing can just send you over the edge, I was seen by someone who had recognized where I was at as she was in a similar space. She gently encouraged me to take a break and after a phone call to Jimmy we were able to meet that same evening and just open up to each other.

I know how blessed I am to have two beautiful, healthy babies. I don't take one inch of them for granted having been through the challenges of what it took to bring them here and I wouldn't trade one moment of this experience for anything. Being their mama is my absolute joy. I know what I have. I am head over heels in love with each of them; they are truly my muses. My heart swells to the point of bursting with the love I carry for both of them and oftentimes I can barely witness them without tearing up at how lucky I am that they are both finally here with me. I can't imagine my life now without either one of them. To me they are simply pure light, love and joy in every way.

But...

it also can be hard to see what we so desperately need when we are in the trenches. I don't have family close that can just drop by and take over when I need them to. I don't have a nanny, or a sitter (yet). I work from home and I am on call 24 hours a day. I had become so immersed in my mamaness that I truly had no idea that what I was so desperately needing was simply a break. I forget this at times. Sitting in a cafe with this very sweet and real mama was the perfect reminder and my energy was instantly shifted after just a few hours.

It's difficult to remember when we are feeling so isolated that we are all, in fact, connected. As parents we each share many of the same stories, though sadly many of those stories are mostly the unspoken ones. The ones we attach guilt, shame and silent suffering to. So it was so incredibley freeing and validating for me to be able to just honestly spill some of these messy thoughts I had been carrying in a safe space. Thoughts that were so filled with shame and guilt that I thought for sure that I must be the worst parent in the world only to have this lovely woman, who I think is such a brilliant and beautiful mother, sit across from me nodding in total agreement and complete understanding of what I was saying to her.

We shared many stories that night, about our children and so many other things. We didn't try and fix each other - we knew neither of us had any answers - we just listened with complete empathy, indulged in incredible amounts of chocolate, laughed a lot and each went home feeling seen, understood and renewed..

I needed the reminder that it's okay to say that there are moments in parenting that are really fucking hard. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent to say this. It doesn't mean you don't love your children or that you need a therapist or a week away from your children or the advice of well-meaning friends and strangers. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you to say that.

Because guess what? There is nothing to fix.

It's okay to say that you need a break every once in a while without shame or guilt attached. It's okay for all of us parents to realize that no one is perfect and none of us have all the answers, we are each just doing the best we can moment by moment, day by day.

It's okay for me to say that I need to carve out a few hours a week for myself. Away from my children, away from the computer, away from my home. It's important to know that even though my main job right now is to tend to the needs of my two angel loves that it's just important to take care of my own needs, and I am encouraging Jimmy to do the same. I need to take time to remember who I am and still do things I want to do because when I have that time away I am able to come back to my family in a more whole and present way.

It's okay to say it.

randomness

Hipstamatic Sunflower

I currently have the beginnings of eight posts saved as drafts. I have much to share but can't find the energy to build the sentences. Coming here to write has been feeling overwhelming the past few months, it's easier to not show up here at all it seems.

My friend Denise started to make lists on her blog. It seems she is in a similar place of tangledness and I realized in her listmaking she has put a name to what I am able to offer right now.

Inspired by her lists here are some very random things going on in my life:

• I am helping put together a fundraiser and silent auction for Isabella's sweet nursery school.
• I have never done anything like this and it has taken over my life in some ways.
• This is also the busiest time of year for Bella Wish orders.
• Mama tired.
• My 9-year wedding anniversary was Tuesday.
• Jimmy and I normally don't exchange gifts.
• I try not to have any expectations on celebratory days such as birthdays, holidays and anniversarys,  but I find I still do.
• I then get dissapointed when my expectation, however low it may be, isn't met.
• Jimmy exceeded my expectation this year.
• It reminded me how much he truly does love me.
• Not because of what he gave me but because he truly heard me when I shared with him that celebrating key dates in our lives is important to me and that I have a strong want to celebrate these times in our lives more.
• But I do really love my gift.
• Mia is sitting up by herself.
• She wants to grab hold of anything and everything within reaching distance.
• She is learning to drink out of a sippy cup by watching me do it first.
• She says "dada"
• She has the best laugh in the world.
• Babies are amazing.
• Isabella is starting to express her feelings verbally.
• She tells me when she is happy, sad, scared or missing her Daddy.
• She weeps when her favorite television and movie characters are sad.
• We are creating a book for her called Isabella's Big Book of Feelings
  
• When we completed one of her stories last night she hugged me and thanked me for allowing her to "draw it out"
• I realized I am teaching her to keep an art journal at two years old.
• I think that's awesome.
• I want to read Portia de Rossi's book The Unbearable Lightness
• Watching her very honest interview on Ellen was a bit unnerving because I felt so much of what she shared.
• I was anorexic and bulemic in my late teens.
• I know to some it seems like you can't be both at the same time.
• But you can.
• I haven't told many people this.
• Not even my family.
• Though I am pretty sure they knew but just never said anything.
• It's scary to write that.
• Because my family reads my blog.
• I have a much healthier relationship with food and body image now.
• I believe sharing our stories is what heals and connects us.
• By us I mean all of us.
• Today I received a package in the mail.
• It was filled with the scent of Nag Champa and colorful rocks painted with beautiful words.
• One of those words was Asshole.
• It made me laugh
• Another one of those words was Embrace
• I heart mermaids
• I wore a long black wig on Halloween.
• It made me realize that I miss having long hair sometimes.
• It also reminded me to keep fun alive every day of the year.
• Nothing brings me more happiness than spending time with Isabella and Mia.
• I truly embrace being their mom.
• The two of them epitomize joy for me.
• Even the occassional moments when they are making me crazy and have me wanting a cocktail at 10:00 am.
• I feel quite blessed.
• I may make more lists.
• I have many more random thoughts to share.

 

ouch

The morning after Jimmy bandaged it for me

After Dr. Spice bandaged it for me

Isabella caught a cold over the weekend so I decided to keep her indoors this past Monday so she could rest and continue to heal. By 3:00 pm she was itching to get outside so I suggested we get all bundled up since it was raining that day and go for a walk. She was very into this idea and immediately climbed into her stroller.

Mia still needed to be dressed and placed in her carrier, blankets needed to be packed and I needed some shoes. As Isabella became less patient, I became more hurried and remembered that my shoes were on the floor near the foot of our bed. I sprinted down our hallway towards the bedroom where I saw my boots.

I bent down but before my arms could reach them I was abruptly interrupted when my left eye caught the very sharp corner of our heavy wooden bed.

I saw stars. For a moment I felt what it must be like for an egg that had just been cracked for an omelette. I haven't felt physical pain like that since I broke and dislocated my kneecap while cross-country skiing years ago. Upon impact I felt a pain so intense that I could smell it, it's reach radiated through my nose out to my cheeks and wrapped itself around my head.

I knew whatever I had done was bad but somehow kept it together and didn't scream or cry. I didn't make a sound and amazingly not one four-letter word left my lips. I don't know where this calmness came from because inside I was screaming but I knew it had something to do with the two little souls in the other room waiting not-so-patiently for their mama.

I walked down the hallway to where Isabella and Mia were waiting with my hand covering my eye. I was so afraid to look at what I had just done that my hand stayed there for what seemed like hours while I wondered how bad it actually was. I thought for sure if I opened my left eye I wouldn't be able to see. I thought the worst and didn't want to face it just yet. I calmly told Isabella that we weren't going for a walk after all and that I was taking her out of the stroller. She cried. Hard.

In that moment all I could do was let her which was in many ways even more painful.

I finally found the nerve to remove my hand to see what the damage was and my fingers were covered in blood. A lot of blood. I then walked over to the mirror and saw that I was bleeding from a cut above my eye and not actually from my eye. When I opened my eye I could see. It was at that point that I finally exhaled and found my breath. I knew it was bad but I also knew that my eye was fine and it could have been so much worse. I was in pain but also felt relief.

I called Jimmy who told me he would come home as soon as he was able. Later that evening he constructed a small butterfly bandage, putting my eyelid back together as best as he could.

When Isabella saw the blood she was understandably scared and she cried harder. I sat with her and just held her and tried to forget my pain while easing hers. Over the past few days we've talked a lot about what happened so she could connect it all and understand that we all get boo boos sometimes.

I wanted to encourage her to talk about her feelings having witnessed this and not keep those fears about what she saw inside. Last night she sat on the couch with me while were reading and asked me in her quite animated way, "Mommy, are you sad because you have a REALLY REALLY BIIIIIG OWIE!?"

I love her so much, she never ceases to make me laugh.

Having never had a cut quite like this, I didn't know I was supposed to go to ER right away.  When I saw Doctor Spice* the next morning he questioned why I didn't come in when it happened.  He said I could have used stitches but they can't put them in after 12 hours since the body has already started healing. I had no idea. Now I do.

He did say that Jimmy did such a great job bandaging me the night before that it's most likely my new scar will be hardly noticable at all. Jimmy used to work in the medical field. I am endlessly counting the ways I am blessed by having him in my life and after fourteen years he still amazes me with his survival skills.

Someone said I deserved a Mother of the Year Award for not going to the ER when it happened because I had my two little ones to take care of. I could not disagree more. What I deserve is a Dumb as F&@% Award for not taking care of myself when it happened. I want to model for my children that they need to get help in an emergency and not just brush it off like it's no big deal which is what I did that day. Which is what I have done for years in fact. No awards here... just a bit of swelling, some arnica and a few ice packs.

I've been making fun of myself in these past days since it's happened. Making light of the whole situation has been easy and helps me keep it all in perspective, but the truth is I've also been in a bit of a funk since it's happened and I'm not sure why. I suppose any kind of trauma is bound to do that; seeing blood and being in pain is certainly unsettling.

The experience was so jarring and unexpected that parts of me are feeling quite tender and emotional surrounding it though I am not quite sure what I am so funked up about. I can't say for sure, but I don't think it has much to do with the physical part; I have a small collection of scars already and think our battle wounds can be quite sexy. But I do wonder if the metaphorical part of being an open wound has something to do with it. Sort of a post-injury depression as it were. I just don't know right now.

I am wondering if any of you have similar stories and how you were able to deal with the strange feelings, if any, that crept up for you afterwards. If you do please share, I would really like to know your story.

* I call him Dr. Spice because something about him reminds me of the guy from the Old Spice commercials. When he speaks to me I am often just waiting for him to end his thought with "I'm on a horse".

beautiful mess*

the state of our bed on most days

If you were to walk into my home the first thing you would hear me say to you after hellos and kissing your cheek would be, "Please excuse my baby house." I notice I say this anytime someone crosses our threshold and I am wondering if I will ever be able to let go of this apology and instead fully embrace this part of parenting for myself with no apologies.

Strewn about our floors and furniture are often puzzle pieces, building blocks, books, sippy cups and faerie wings. Our bed goes unmade most days, the laundry starts to pile and the candles we used to have dotted over every inch of our home when Jimmy and I were just a romantic twosome are long packed away.

I will admit I am a design blog/book/magazine addict and a bit of a voyeur when it comes to catching a glimpse into the spaces of others, but oftentimes getting a peek into someones home has me feeling less than. I often wonder while gazing at the dreamy images of other's living spaces how people (especially those featured with kids) are able to keep their homes so sparse and clean without clutter. Of course I know that most places are staged and styled for photographs and I also know that the very thought of having someone over to our home used to be the perfect motivator for me to start hiding everything and clean the floors, nevermind having a camera crew involved.

One of the lessons that parenting has given me is the knowledge that there is no such thing as having it all. Unless you are well equipped with caretakers, housekeepers, family next door and assistants (the proverbial village) the very thought that this all we often tend to strive for is a complete and bogus myth. It's almost insane to buy into this idea that it's even possible to be a present mother, breadwinner, available friend, organic chef, sexy wife and creative being all while keeping up on the laundry and wearing designer heels. This image that we see so much of in the media is what has many of us falsely believing we have somehow failed. Don't get me wrong, I believe we can, and are, superhero's in our own lives, but the definition of a superhero to me simply isn't defined by the idea of having it all.

What if instead we could just all rest easy in the knowlege that we each are doing the best we can with what we have in any given moment and we are enough just as we are now?

What if we allowed ourselves to be kinder and more gentle with ourselves?

What if this allowance of being kinder and more gentle with ourselves and with others is what simply defines us as superheros in our lives?

For myself, I have fully embraced the knowledge that I can juggle only three things at one time, and the rest I allow to fall gently to the floor. The balls I have in the air sometimes change depending on what is happening on any given day, but the ones that often stay on the floor for longer stretches of time are the ones that involve putting puzzle pieces away or making the bed on a daily basis.

Oftentimes my meals are the cut off crusts of my daughter's all-too-often diet of peanut butter sandwiches along with stolen sips of the apple juice in her sippy cup. Sometimes I am just too tired to give her a bath after play and instead we both find peace and comfort while cuddling on the couch with a movie or lying in her bed reading books, stinky feet and tangled curls intact. Sometimes I am awake at 3:00 am writing an email to a friend or a blog post as a way to stay connected. Sometimes I panic about bills and work and making ends meet. Sometimes I am so in head over heels in love with my life and sometimes I want to just sit and cry out of complete frustration and exhaustion. Sometimes I do happily prepare home-cooked meals and organic green smoothies for us. Sometimes I do manage to get all three of us girls bathed, dolled up and all the laundry folded and put away. Sometimes the tv is off for lengths at a time and music, singing, silliness and imaginative play fill our days and nights. Sometimes I do have fleeting moments of confidence and courage in my abilities and other times I feel like I don't have a clue what I'm doing. What I am learning is that I am okay with all of it and doing one over the other doesn't make me a failure or a superhero but simply a human being.

Perhaps I am alone in this thinking, but to me there is something very comforting about walking into my home and seeing toys and books strewn and scattered. There is something poetic about the waves and layers created by the covers of an unmade bed and I see art in the crayon spirals recently left on the cabinets in our kitchen by a budding artist. I may not have a home that is worthy of having photos displayed on blogs or in magazines, but walking into our space shows a place where living, laughter and love are in great abundance. I recognize that my life and my home are whole and full and enough.

No matter where our four walls may be and where our lives may take us in the coming years, I imagine our space will always be a bit chaotic and artful in this way with this blessed gift we have been given of sharing space with children. So with that thought I have come to embrace my baby home and perhaps I will someday soon release the need for the disclaimer for the state of it when you walk through my front door.