
meditation room next to The Raven Spa
I was introduced to Thai massage about 3.5 years ago. The difference that three short years can make is astounding - the body and mindset I had walking in to this sacred and beautiful space this past Wednesday was not the same body and mindset I walked in with three and half years ago. I don't think I fully understood how much giving birth to two children and not sleeping a solid eight hours in almost three years had physically changed me.
That first Thai massage three and a half years ago found me folded up like a pretzel - twisted, popped, realigned, achy, sore but ultimately feeling good, and dare I say even amazing afterward. I remember telling Jimmy later on that I wanted him to have one so he could experience what it was like. At one point when this tiny yet powerful monk was twisting my torso halfway around my body I saw a blue light connected from the middle of my forehead to somewhere off in the distance. In that moment, I was trancended.
I was also sore and felt beat up afterward, but not in an entirely unpleasant way. After my hour had ended I met my friend who was visiting for the week in the resting area. We lounged lazily on recliners and replenished with warm tea and dates talking about what the frack had just happened to us. This was unlike any massage either of us had ever encountered.
I remember her describing her experience as almost sexual. I would have laughed if I weren't so spent and sore and recall thinking to myself at the time What kind of freaky crazy tantric sex are you having? but thought better of asking the question. I just wanted to drink warm tea and be still in that moment. I knew she didn't mean sexual in the literal sense, but more in the sense of experiencing perhaps some heightened senses, deep relaxation or feelings of euphoria after the fact. It's quite physical for both people involved.
My friend left to go home about a week later and I found out very soon afterward that I was pregnant with Isabella. When I backtracked and did the math I realized the very beginnings of her being were embarking on the journey down my fallopian tubes at the very time I was having my Thai massage. Part of me always wonders if all the forced yoga and blue light of that day somehow helped to guide her way to a safe place for her to implant snuggly and grow for the next nine months.
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When I walked in for my second Thai massage last week I was admittedly hesitant. My sweet husband had given me this gift for our anniversary, recalling my former experience. But this time around my thoughts of massage were focused on more of the kind with soft and warm touching, lavender essential oils and Enya playing in the background. The type of massage you fall asleep to while it's happening and feel like spaghetti afterward while sweating it out in a steam room. Relaxation and pampering. All things that Thai massage are just not.
Still, I went. I needed the break. My mom was visiting and I had the time for myself. I needed something to work out two years of babywearing and to be pampered in some tiny way for a bit. I walked in this time weary, a bit anxious and filled with the kind of mama aches that come with taking care of everyone's needs but your own. A different state of mind and body then I had three and half years prior.
The tiny woman who was assigned to fold me up in countless ways immediately told me I was holding too much tightness in the left side of my body, the side where I carry my babies. Trapped toxins she called them, hard to release through massage alone. For the next two hours she tried to release these toxins much to the dismay of my muscles and tendons and there was no blue light this time. No heightened sense of awareness. No softness. No Enya and certainly no sleep or euphoria. Just 120 minutes of continuous deep tissue manipulation and stretching as a way to release these toxins I have been holding onto since giving birth as I was told by her.
Despite drinking tons of water afterward I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been repeatedly thrown to the floor by a Sumo wrestler. Whatever she had done I guess worked. The toxins had been freed but were now releasing from my body in not so nice ways. I now had the flu. The kind that kicks you hard in the bum. The kind that doesn't care about your to-do list or your shop orders or your daughter's school schedule or your teething baby. I was feverish and freezing. Flu achy on top of achy from Thai massage. Sniffling. Sneezing. Coughing. All I wanted to do was sleep but sick days aren't an option when you are parent and self-employed.
Finally around 6:30 that night I begged Jimmy to come home from work. He did and I immediately went to bed and slept twelve hours straight. I can't recall the last time I have slept that many consecutive hours in a row. I was still sick but sleep was helping tremendously. Then over the weekend my face started to break out. Tell me how it's even possible or fair that I am experiencing teenage breakouts at 42 years old. That's just rude, no? More toxins releasing. The icing on the cake now is that for the past two days I have also lost my voice. I can't speak above a whisper.
I can only listen to and bear witness to all that is taking place around me and within me. And this is where I began to understand and connect the dots.
It's easy to complain about all of the woe is me stuff and throw a bit of a pity party when we aren't feeling well but that is not why I share this story at all. I am telling the story of my second Thai massage because I am reminded of that line about not always getting what we want but getting what we need. I am also reminded that the Universe has quite the sense of humor at times.
What I wanted was the soft and gentle escape that a Swedish massage provides. An hour to be covered in essential oils, relax into a pair of warm hands and eventually return to life as I knew it. What I received was the deeper request I was secretly longing for: Rest.
Resting of the mind, of the voice, of the body.
My friend Jess calls Thai massages forced yoga. For me they are forced rest. And while I won't be actively seeking out having a Thai massage ever again (from here on I seek only the kind that include essential oils, gentle touch and perhaps a hot stone or two), I will say that in a round about way, it has given me exactly what I needed right now - pathways for these trapped toxins to exit and permission to allow my mind, voice and body the rest they so badly need and crave.
The kind of rest we all need and crave sometimes.
I'm starting to get the message to slow it down a bit and listen to what my body needs.
Funny how things work out sometimes, yes?