Bella Wish

At last....

the "birthday girl" ~ canon digital rebel xt

My introduction to digital photography was with my dependable, trustworthy Canon Digital Elph 200s point and shoot. It was love at first sight ~ cute and compact and purchased for a whirlwind holiday in Australia in 2002. It has served me well and has allowed me to take some fun photos, but I quickly realized to get more control and shoot the kind of pictures I wanted to take, I would need a digital SLR. You know, the kind that cost a lot of money.

When I was reading  Week 3 of the Artist's Way one of the exercises in the chapter has you finish sentences. One sentence is along the lines of: If money were no object, I would buy my artist ___________.

The blank space in my copy of the book holds my handwritten words formed long ago the first time I started the Artist Way back in 1996 where I had filled in "... a really good camera!!!" Exclamation points and all.

I have been researching cameras for a couple years now, going back and forth between Nikon and Canon and finally decided on the Canon Digital Rebel xt. Obviously this wasn't an impulse purchase for me. There were a several factors that helped me decide on this camera, but the main ones were:

1) Most definitely price. There are a lot of great features packed into this baby.
2) Instantaneous start up time, image stabilization, exposure control and the ability to shoot 3 fps.
3) The amazingly, gorgeous, and stunning photographs that so many lovelies achieve with their rebels.

I don't know how many months have passed that I have been talking to anyone who would listen about how much I wanted this camera.  Probably a good year or more. I would go on an on... and on and on and on... about features and lenses and blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. It sounds like an excuse, and I realize that it is, but it's also the top reason I haven't launched deep dishing yet because I simply wasn't happy with the food photos I was getting from my digital elph. It's a great camera, and will still be with me at all times, but I just couldn't figure out how to control certain features of it. It's not the camera's fault, I take full responsibility for my complete incompetence.

Anyway, I have been saving, hoping, wishing and praying for this camera to come into my life and finally three angels appeared to me as if in a dream. The first two angels were in the form of two of my closest, not to mention gorgeous, girlyfriends from way back in the day, Dianna-banana and Sue-berry. I met them both in Mr. Galliotti's art class in high school and have been in love ever since.

sue-berry and frankie taken about two weeks ago ~ canon digital elph

dianna taken about two weeks ago ~ canon digital elph (I love d. in this photo but wish the lighting was better)

Unbeknownst to me they are also little schemers who pooled together a substantial gift certificate towards the purchase of my camera which rendered me speechless and in tears for a good hour, at least. I love you both and thanks again for an amazing early birthday gift. I truly couldn't ask for better friends. You have both been nothing but cheerleaders for me in all my endeavors and crazy dreams throughout the years. I know you did this because you support me, believe in me, and want to see my happy and free. Or perhaps you just wanted me to shut up already about this camera. {wink} If you had blogs, I would link you and love on you here ALL THE TIME.

The third angel appeared in the form of my husband. He has been telling me all along to get the camera, but I just couldn't justify it financially. He told me he would go in halvsies with me and having that, along with my gift-certificate, was enough for me to justify ordering it. Last week I submitted my order and immediately wrote Jimmy to say, "I did it!" His email reply was this:

Yeah, Sweet Baby!!!! 

I don’t want My Sweet Baby to pay for this.  If you tell me what the girls put in, I’ll cover the rest.  You can then use what you have for any extras you’d like – lenses, filters, stands, etc.  Sound good?!

x!  x!

    j!™

umm... yes, he trademarked his signature by the way. And yes, he calls me sweet baby, that alone revealing more personal information than I am able to convey in many of my posts.

So many wonderful things have fallen into place over the past few days ~ which I can't wait to share ~ and this early birthday gift is simply the most decadent 72% cacao extra dark chocolate icing on my moist and yummy birthday cake. I can't even tell you how excited I am, my birthday is not until July and it's already rocked. This camera is even more special to me than I anticipated because of the way it came into my life. Of course now I need to read the manual and learn how to use the damn thing. Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.

Let the photos commence...

~~~~

Thank you so much to all you bloggie angels who commented and emailed me about my last post. Thank you for not judging me or thinking me crazy, but rather being understanding, insightful and open. I want to have a schmoopfest sleepover with you all where we wear our pj's, open many bottles of wine, bring our cameras, share our stories, laugh, dance, eat and play and just spill wide open.

What's in a Name?

Canon Digital Elph 200s

Alternate post title: Further evidence as to how I over think things causing me to be insane

I haven't been posting my Artist Way check in's lately, but I am actually up to Week 5 at the moment and have never made it that far in the book before, so I am actually proud of myself. I am taking it slow and going at my own pace, but I am going to finish it this time around.

During Week 2 , which was all about recovering a sense of identity, something big happened. Well, big to me. I mentioned it at the end of that post, and have been struggling with what to do about it since. So I decided to present it here and ask you all for some advice.

Back in February when Denise and I went to see the psychic something happened that floored me. When we first arrived and I was escorted to her waiting room (which was so fabulous by the way) Denise told me as she followed the psychic into her reading room she was asked, "So you are Denise and your friend is named Stacie?"

She replied yes, but was sure to tell her that I spelled my name with an 'ie'.  Denise told me the woman looked at her funny and asked if she was sure because she wasn't feeling that was the spelling of my name. She had it written down as 'Stacy'. I was in the waiting room at the time and didn't know this exchange had happened until Deni and I shared stories later over wine.

~~~~~~~~~

I was born Stacy Anne Manning. All through elementary school I was a pretty happy kid but something happened when I started junior high school and I felt the need to create a new me I suppose, stand out in some way, create a new identity for myself. Middle school years are some of the toughest years many of us experience, so, thinking I was, um,  cool, or whatever, I changed the spelling of my name to Stacie. It's a legal name change, all my documents, social security card, passport, etc. state my name as such and it became the name I have identified with for *gasp* twenty-six years now.

When I became an adult I would often think about changing it back to Stacy ~ increasingly moreso, lately. It was the spelling I was born with and there is something about it that feels more, I don't know, real to me now. My mom put an 'e' on the end of my middle name, Anne, because she liked the aesthetic of it so I suppose she liked the spelling of Stacy too. I asked her recently if it ever hurt her feelings that I changed the spelling of my first name and she said not at all. But the weird thing is everytime I think of doing something creative ~ start my business, sign a painting ~ I want to spell my name Stacy, with a y. One of the movies I worked on even "misspelled" my name as Stacy in the credits. When I first saw it that way up on the screen, I smiled.

~~~~~~~~~

So, Denise floats out of her reading positively beaming, and I am open and ready as I go in for mine. She begins by asking me to spell my name and I tell her S-t-a-c-i-e. She gives me the strangest look and asks if I am sure. I then tell her I was born with the spelling S-t-a-c-y which is how it is spelled on my birth certificate. She then looks as if it all makes perfect sense to her and tells me that I am unequivocally a Stacy as I am absolutely NOT a Stacie. She then goes on to explain the roles of numbers and letters, which all go completely over my head, but tells me I need to change the spelling back to Stacy as part of my creative growth. She then told me I didn't want to know why I was not Stacie, with an ie. She then gave me a visual by standing up and lifting her arms high above her head forming a 'Y' with her body explaining how this letter allows me to ask for what I want from the universe while simultaneously also being open to receive what I ask for.

Honestly, I don't know what all this means, or if I believe there is so much in a name, but I have been thinking about it non-stop since I spoke with her that day.  I think this has what has been rendering me frozen from actually doing things like printing business cards, etc. because I am feeling conflicted in my identity.

I had a long talk with Jimmy about it, told my mother and a couple close girlyfriends who each gave me their thoughts. Now I am asking all of my bloggie sisters and brothers. What would you do in my situation? Am I overthinking this? Am I crazy? Do you think there is something to what she is saying? Has this happened to you? Is there really that much in a name? Do I really want to go through all the bother of changing my social security card, driver's license, back accounts, etc.? What about the things I can't change like my marriage certificate and email accounts? Would you if someone told you all this with fire in their eyes? I think I know my answer, but I just want some feedback as to what you all think.

Thoughts? Comments? Insight? Suggestions? All are welcome... thank you.

The Artist's Way Week Two - Recovering a Sense of Identity

Onoriode Otojareri

Multi-tasker that I am, last week I tried to combine an artist date with morning pages along with capturing a photo for the self portrait challenge. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I had a free morning and decided to head downtown to Union Station here in Los Angeles. Union Station is one of my favorite buildings in the city because you get a sense of history, you can feel it within it's walls. It's also been featured in many films, and I love the mission and art deco architecture.

I had roughly a couple hours to walk through the building and surrounding grounds where I planned to take photographs as well as find a place to curl up and write my morning pages and was very excited about it all. I went to the little cafe and ordered an herbal tea and proceeded to the large, ornate waiting room which was gloriously empty this particular morning with only the sun's rays beaming in through the surrounding windows as my company.

This chapter in the Artist's Way discusses poisonous playmates and crazymakers who are defined as those who help distract creatives from actually doing something creative. According to Julia Cameron, crazymakers love to align themselves with blocked creatives thus assuring themselves that they are in the spotlight. The gentleman in the above picture illustrates this point for me.

As I was setting up my camera for my self-portrait in this up-until-that-point empty waiting room, this man walked up to where I was -- curious, no doubt, as to what I was doing. At first I thought he was going to take off with my camera (it is Los Angeles after all) so I got a bit nervous and distracted. He said he just wanted to watch so I took one photo, uncomfortably grabbed my camera and curled up in one of the large chairs to sip my tea and write.

He then asked if he could sit and talk with me.

I am a genuinely nice person by nature, probably too nice most of the time, and I looked up at him. I didn't feel threatened in the least. He didn't seem outwardly crazy and really if he wanted to steal my point and shoot camera then he obviously needed it more than I did was my feeling at that moment.

I told him I had come here to write and wanted to focus on that and he asked if I was a writer. The word yes just popped out of my mouth informing him that I was. He then said I should write about him; he had many stories to tell.

Admittedly I was annoyed by this, although I am not sure why. I put myself in a public setting after all, what did I expect? And aren't writers supposed to welcome this sort of thing? I usually love to hear the stories of others. Perhaps it was because it happened exactly as I was reading the  passages about crazymakers and how to spot them. Or perhaps it's because I live in a large city where no one talks to strangers and everyone seems to be guarded most of the time. Or perhaps it was simply because he was distracting me from what I came to accomplish and I didn't wish to detour from that route.

As if on cue, he then told me he wasn't crazy, nor was he looking for anything, he was waiting for his wife to come in on the Palmdale train and he just wanted someone to talk to and how people don't communicate enough. I actually agree with this, and told him I would write about him on the condition that he let me take his picture, not posed. I would just place the camera on the arm rest next to me, he could talk and I would take something candid.

He was in the middle of telling me a story about his time spent in London where he lived for 25 years -- he had a very strong accent so I believed him -- and that is when I shot the above photo. It's blurry yes, but at the same time I thought it captured something sweet within him.

He asked me how old I was and when I told him he stated "those who don't look our age are the ones who rule the earth." This made me laugh out loud, but it was sweet none-the-less. He told me his name was Onoriode Otojareri which means something to the affect of no one knows tomorrow. Ain't that the truth.

As I got up to leave I told him I would write about him and he rolled his eyes and said he knew that I wouldn't. So Onoriode, this one's for you... I dedicated an entire post about you being my temporary crazy maker and distracting me from a day of morning pages, only to create something else instead.

1) How many days did I write morning pages this week? oooh, not good. I only wrote morning pages four out of seven days this week. I am having issues waking up earlier than I have to normally to write them. I admit sometimes morning pages turn into afternoon or night pages. Shhhhhh...... don't tell anyone, it's so embarrassing.

2) Did you go on your artist's date? Yes. I took myself to a couple places, Union Station and Santa Monica to shoot some photographs.

3) Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Yes, a rather large one but I think it deserves it's own post and since I feel like I am not fully done with this chapter yet, I think I will stay here for a few more days so I can move forward fully ready to embrace week 3.

Self Portrait Challenge -- Black and White

 
Young Schmoopy

I've decided to step outside my comfort zone a bit and explore this thing called Self-Portrait Challenges. I used to think that if I were to post pictures of myself all over my site that others might view it as narcissistic. Plus I tend to be more comfortable behind the lens. But you know, as we gain years, we gain more confidence... we also gain weight. Or is it as we get older it's more that we could give a tiny rat's ass what people think? Either way, I feel more comfortable in my own skin now than I ever have, even 20 pounds later. And really, that's the beauty of it, right? Acceptance of self.

I now realize that it's not about me posting candid photos of myself at random events but rather capturing a mood, an emotion, so it becomes more about self discovery and a study of artistic analysis and expression, not to mention a way to chronicle one's history. Plus, this is my personal blog, I can post whatever I damn well please! I read many personal blogs and realize that I love it when the author's post their pictures. It helps me to "hear their voice" more.

I feel this is one way to recapture my artist within and a way for me to really explore who I am and part of that is looking at myself. Really looking at myself, (hopefully) without judgment or fear. This is who I am, flaws and all. I want to be able to look back on photos years from now and remember who I was at this time.

Cindy Sherman has always been one of my favorite artists. She has built her career out of transforming herself through her self portraits. I can stare at her untitled film stills collection for hours -- and have.

My first challenge seems quite appropriate as black and white photography is so versatile in expressing emotion. I feel I am doing nothing but exploring my emotions as of late. I chose this black and white picture of myself as a child, though I obviously didn't take it, for a few reasons:

Although not a great use of the drama and contrast normally conveyed using black and white photography, I am working to rediscover my artist child. This is what she looks like.

This is me still very much in the beginning of my life. We all start out life as innocents, seeing things purely and always excited by what is new to us.

It's good to start a project from the beginning while it is still new, innocent and pure and see what it will develop into.

The Artist's Way Week One - Recovering a Sense of Safety

A place where I feel safe....

I decided to write out my weekly check-in's here, you know for all the world to see, as a way to hold myself accountable for working through all twelve chapters as well as chronicle my excavation process.

My sweet friend Denise wrote a recent post about her chronicles and part of the story of where her journey began. Her blog has become this place where many people, myself included, go to for inspiration. She is definitely an unblocked artist and I find I gravitate naturally toward creative souls. Plus we are on a somewhat similar fertility journey. Kindreds.

Which is exactly why this first week of going through 'The Artist's Way' was a good one for me. One of the things Julia Cameron discusses are those of us called shadow artists. I have identified with this for years. She writes that artists love other artists and shadow artists are just blocked artists who naturally are attracted to their rightful tribes but instead of calling themselves artists, they instead choose to align themselves with creative types who are unblocked, rather than fulfilling their own artistic needs. Hence, staying in the shadows.

It got me thinking about what that means -- to call yourself an artist. When I first began writing this blog I sought some advice from a woman who I think is a great writer. She told me the first thing she did when she began to write was to call herself a writer. She told everyone she met she was a writer and even printed business cards that stated the fact.

I thought that was just an incredibly bold gesture. Great for her, but I could never do such a thing. I remember thinking that if I were to do that I would be a fraud. I would be lying. I think it's a huge reason I have never done a proper about page on this site, because as much as I want to call myself a writer, designer, artist and photographer, I feel that unless someone else gives me those titles (read: pays me for doing them) then it's a false assumption on my part. That is the classic sign of a blocked artist, or shadow artist.

It made me think about the time I was hired for my first film at Disney. When I was signing my contract, my title throughout was that of 'artist'. Page after page of this lengthy document referred to me as an ARTIST. Just like that, in big capital letters meant to stand out. My name is listed in five movie credits as an artist. I remember thinking that was when I could truly call myself an artist -- because someone else gave me permission to do so. And for those years I did call myself an artist. When I chose to stop working in film and explore other avenues, I stopped calling myself an artist.

When I think about my work now it makes so much sense. I love my job, and in many ways think of it as a dream job, but the gist of what I do is motivate people to follow their creative dreams. I try and help others see who they are creatively and pursue those passions. Perfect job for a shadow artist, no?

So, for me, part of that process is definitely regaining the right to call myself an artist. I read a post on someone's blog where she brings up the topic of claiming that title for yourself. She asked the question: Is it arrogant of us to write that we are an artist on our blog? I struggled with that question for a year since I never did my about page on this site, precisely because I didn't know what to call myself. I felt at odds calling myself an artist, so just left it minimal. I now understand that those of us who do struggle with this issue are, indeed, blocked.

My first step is to reclaim who I am. I write; therefore, I am a writer. I love to take pictures and think about the composition, color, lighting and mood of a photograph; therefore, I am a photographer. I like to surround myself with beautiful things and have spent a great deal of time making our home a cozy place to be, paying great attention to things like color, lighting and items that are special to us and really bring out the personalities of the people who live there: Jimmy and myself; therefore, I am a designer. I create; therefore, I am an artist.

Check-in:

1) How many days did I do the morning pages this week? Seven out of seven. This used to be the hardest part for me; I find now that I look forward to it. My writing is very different than in previous years and I even woke up extremely early a few mornings because of things I wanted to get down on paper.

2) Did you do your artist date this week? This one was a little harder. I was making up excuses in scheduling a time to do so, but I have scheduled a date with my artist child this afternoon. I am taking her to the toy store and buying her a toy.

3) Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? I think the big one for me this week is understanding that I truly am a shadow artist still. I am also working to sort out where all this blockage comes from. More on that later. For now, I suppose I should get to work on finally creating my about page.